Some Hard-Won Knowledge

Hello, team-mates! Welcome to another dashing adventure! This has been a milestone week for me. I hit the 50lb mark and dipped under 200 pounds. I've been at 199 for a few days now, which is A-OK with me! When I posted my 50lb picture, as has been the pattern, folks came out in droves to congratulate me on my success-- one of the hardest things for me is to take credit for my accomplishments. It was very hard to just say "thanks!" instead of "Yeah, only 49 pounds to go!" And to be honest, I'm pretty sure a lot of people did not get thanked for their compliment. So, sorry about that team. And thank you.

See, it's fancy because that's how much I love you all.

Now that I've had some success, folks have started asking me for advice. I don't really have advice... losing weight/getting healthy is a wildly personal journey. Everyone has to do it on their own time, in their own way. There are some things that science agrees on, but that's for another post. But, since people have asked, I thought about what my best advice really is... so take what I have to say with a grain of salt because I'm not a nutritionist, a dietician, a personal trainer, a therapist (anymore) or anything like that. I'm just me, and this is what I think is important.

Yeah, so consult your doctor before beginning any kind of weight-loss... you know...

With that said, here's your advice:

Today's theme is: Don't Give Up and Don't Hate Yourself. This is hard, teammates. It's seriously, really really hard and it's got some high stakes. If you're struggling with your weight like I currently am-- you know how hard it is daily to not be able to do the things others can do. I promise you, you can change your life if you're ready. Here's the deal. The science is easy. It's a three step process. 1. Eat less. 2. Move More. 3. Get some help. That's (unfortunately) the easy part. The hard part is not giving up when you mess up.

Will you mess up?

Sumtiems u rs a kitteh

Absolutely. I do all the time. I miscount my calories. I fall prey to "fat talk" (which, BTW, science says is super-bad news). I eat more than I should. I eat less than I should. I get lazy at the gym. I push myself too hard at the gym. I try to skip rest day. Some days I forget to eat any "real" food and literally subsist off of protein bars, kashi cereal and lean cuisines! Talk about gross!

Not that I have anything against protein bars or this particular brand, but I really gotta eat real food.

Let me say this with big bold letters: Progress and Perfection are NOT THE SAME THING.

Guess what? Even though once a month I eat a huuuge plate of chicken saag, I've still lost 52 pounds. Even though every Monday I refuse to go to the gym, I still lost 52 pounds. Even though I eat pudding cups, truffles, and LOTS of bites of Tarver's desserts, I still lost 52 pounds. Why? Because even if I slip up, I get back up on the weight-loss... wagon? horse? cupcake?

Because No Excuses means what it means. Messing up is definitely not a reason to give up.

Think of it this way, parents in my audience. Inevitably, at some point, you will make a bad parenting decision (if you have a child, you probably already have). Now, as long as that parenting decision wasn't like, launching your kiddo unprotected into space, you're going to have other parenting days ahead of you. Can you imagine giving up on parenting every time you messed up? If you snapped at Timmy in the morning, just calling it a day and treating him poorly until bedtime? Just accepting that you're an "Awful Parent" and giving up on learning new parenting techniques? Would you ever let someone else raise your little punkin' for you just because you snapped at Timmy for tossing his cherrios?

Space?! Really?! All because you didn't buy the fancy organic baby food?! 

Similar in romantic relationships. If I disappoint T one day (which I inevitably do and will continue to do despite my best efforts, since I'm a human), I don't immediately give up on being kind to him and nurturing our relationship or leave him altogether. I can't "over martyr" myself by throwing in the towel and saying that I'm an awful wife and nothing can change that. I have to accept that these moments are a part of our larger relationship and try to limit them as best I can. Because I want to be a good wife (in my own very modern, I-will-bake-but-can-we-please-hire-someone-else-to-clean way) and one slip up does not make me a bad one.

This is exactly what doesn't happen in our house.

Open your ears in this moment, team. This is probably the most difficult lesson I have ever learned in my life so far: Weight loss and healthiness is about your relationship with yourself. 

On those days when I don't push myself as hard as I should at the gym, when I eat a bunch of chips at a restaurant with my friends, when I have a cocktail and have no clue how many calories it has... that's okay. If I eat a donut for breakfast, I don't throw the whole day out, because that's ridiculous. I love myself. I forgive myself. Messing up and feeding my body something unhealthy does not mean I am a terrible fat kid who is unredeemable. It means I'm people. The fact that I feel bad about it shows that I do care what I do with my body. So when I start getting cranky with myself and feeling like I'll never get there-- I remember that I'm not perfect.

I will have a relationship with my body for as long as I am alive. So I'd better figure out how to get along with it.

Ellen is so damn wise.

Your body, like my body, just wants you to treat it like you'd treat your kids, your spouse, your pets and anything else you love. Feed it, hug it, take it on walks. Get it a hobby. I don't know! You already (hopefully) dress it up and take it out on the town, so get down to loving it and caring for it.

New Rule: Treat yourself at least as nicely as you would this pet rock

I only wish that it was as easy as that all sounds, don't you?

<3L

Why I Don't Regret My Fat Wedding Pictures

Good morning, blogfriends! I'm jumping right in here today, because I feel like this is really important. Before I forget, all of our wedding photography was done by the amazing Yvonne Denault of Yvonne Denault Photography (yvonnedenault.com, seriously check it out. I mean, read my blog first but then check it out).

I had a thought about this last night at our friends' wedding. I thought about it at the last wedding we went to as well.

My thought was this: I probably weighed about my starting weight or more when T and I married in 2011, and very honestly, it showed in the pictures.

And for a long time, even though I love my husband more than rainbows, penguins and unicorns combined, I didn't like looking at most of the pictures, because I couldn't shake the feeling that I looked like a giant cream puff (or more accurately, that I'd consumed a lot of cream puffs).

Yep. Mmm, delicious accuracy.

When I first started losing weight, I even talked about renewing our vows for the sole purpose of buying and wearing a new wedding dress, even though I assembled my wedding outfit with probably more care, thought and attention than many people take to choosing a career or buying a house.

Even though one of my best friends hand-made my bolero. Even though I got my petticoat shipped from New Zealand. Even though I had my shoes hand-sparkled. Even though quite literally a team of people worked their asses off to make me look gorgeous.

Even though none of that should have mattered, because I married the love of my life.

As I saw the numbers dropping, I started thinking about having a vow renewal and re-doing the whole shebang. Looking like the brides in the magazines. Having a strapless gown and an updo (which I wouldn't wear at our wedding-- feeling like my neck did not need any further attention than it already attracted).

I was pretty sure I'd look like this the 2nd time around.

But I don't look like whoever that lady is. Because I'm (spoiler alert!) not a wedding dress model (GASP!)

As I've gussied up for wedding season this summer, I realized, I have been straight up wrong. And seriously shallow and ridiculous. Our wedding wasn't perfect despite my weight. It was perfect because of our love. Weddings aren't about all of that nonsense. Weddings are about this look:

Granted, this is a picture of us looking at Adam Mills, so really, who wouldn't look like this? 

And my wedding pictures aren't ruined because I happened to have a lot of fat on my body. They're beautiful because I was the happiest person in the world that day. The pictures would have looked EXACTLY the same, whether I had long sleeves, short sleeves or no sleeves. They're perfect because Tarver's the best. Because we worked really hard to make our day unique and exciting. Because we love each other times a billion. 

I've started with this little linguistic change... do you like it? :)

My wedding pictures aren't ruined, they're accurate. Having lots of fat didn't mean I couldn't smile. It didn't mean I couldn't dance until I probably got heatstroke. It didn't mean I couldn't flit around and talk to the 140 people who were kind enough to come out and witness our union. It didn't mean we all couldn't sing Don't Stop Believing  at midnight, all together.

It turns out, how much I weighed that day didn't matter at all. The only person it mattered to was me. And it doesn't anymore. I love my wedding pictures, I love my husband, and I love you folks.

Now, does this mean we'll never have a vow renewal? No way, man. We had way too much fun the first time not to try to recreate the magic. But the point won't be how I look in a dress. It'll be bringing everybody together and celebrating love. Because for all of the aesthetic excellence that constitutes modern weddings, they are, at their core, about a community coming together to celebrate love. 

And that definitely happened. :) So, again a big thank you to everyone who made that day magical, and everyone who makes every day magical. Especially to my husband, who was the person who cared the absolute least how I looked in my dress.

This man gets an A+ every day.

 PS: This morning I weighed in at 201.5--- that means sometime next week I will most likely hit the 50 pound mark. Wowsies!