Gains and Losses

Team... it's plateau time again. A time of frustration and pain. A time of More Exercise, Less Food. A time of weighing myself and sighing, with the knowledge that science tells me I should be losing weight and somehow I am not.

The betrayal of science is deep indeed.

It is calories in and calories out, but I can't healthily and safely eat any less calories than I do. I'm at the bottom of the barrel at 1200 a day for an adult woman. And while I can definitely put in 2-3 hours at the gym on Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays--- Monday through Thursday that gets difficult.

Though let's be real, these days were always going to be difficult.

The point is, to break a plateau you have a few options. The best of which is to increase your intensity. To be completely honest, I don't cheat on my diet. I exercise every day. I haven't skipped an exercise day or cheated on my diet (except for rest-days, which are required for my continued good health and 1 cheat meal a month) since March 3rd.  It's just not possible for me to get more intense right now and still sleep enough, attend work and spend a marginal amount of time with my friends and family.

Honestly, my real chart is more like 3 circles, and they are Work, Exercise and Internet

Basically the only other option is just to slog onward. So that's what I'm going to do. But! It won't help to have a slog onward attitude! I am going to rededicate myself to being excited about this process instead of exhausted by it. So today I want to talk to you about the things that I've gained and lost.

1. Gain: Self-Esteem. Somewhere along the line, I stopped wearing flattering clothes. I stopped wearing makeup. I stopped wearing any jewelry. I stopped enjoying shopping. I hated mirrors. I did not want to go swimming or walking or really anywhere that would make me sweat embarrassingly or really, use my body at all. Now, well, look out world. I may still be 20 pounds overweight, but I'm not ever going to let that stop me again. I have the confidence to do what I want and wear what I want.  I have a sense of self worth derived not from how good I look (which is good, by the way) but by my progress and achievements.

I don't want to brag (okay, yes I do) but I can totally do this now.

2. Gain: Strength. I did a bridge the other night in yoga class. I haven't been able to do one since high school. The other day I did an arm dip-- not quite the same as a pull-up (which is on my bucket list, by the way) but close. I can do pushups. I can hold a plank. I can ALMOST do the crow pose. If I focused just on losing, losing, losing, I would never be able to do these things. I want to be strong. Plus, I'd be way flabbier than I already am if I didn't!

3. Loss: My Mind. I've been keeping a one sentence journal for about a year and a half. When I look back at last year's entries, I mention many times that I "need a hobby," and am "not doing much." Well, now I have one. I have a series of fitness and running-related goals. I'm always working toward something, looking forward to my next event. I don't know that I would have been brave enough to push myself to do... much of anything that wasn't purely academic before this process. There are enough fitness challenges in the world I might never be able to do them all. I don't know that I'll ever be able to run a marathon, but that doesn't mean I can't improve my 5k time. My current best is 39:14. Still pretty slow, but I'm doing one 10/19/13 so we will see what happens!

I left my house at around 6:30 this morning. Where I live it is still very dark at 6:30. Very dark, quite cold and a little wet. But as I got warmed up and finally broke into a jog, I felt an incredible sense of elation. I felt unmistakably alive. I have become one of those crazy people who loves to run. I've completely lost it, teammates, and that is a-ok with me.

Apparently running in the dark is a thing. For me it just so happens to be dark!

4. Gain: Self-Control. My relationship with food has completely changed. While some part of me is still terrified (TERRIFIED) that I'll binge and fall off the wagon and regain all of the weight, but I honestly don't think it is too much of a threat, when I'm logical. One consequence of eating as little as I do is that my stomach is very small. I get full very quickly. Some people who change their eating habits describe developing an aversion to sweets-- this has not happened. But I never would have been able to eat only 3 Pumpkin Spice M&Ms (which is how many make up 25 calories). I wouldn't be able to control myself. I am not interested in looking like a fashion model, and I do think Kate Moss was wrong when she said "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels." But for me, it is true that nothing tastes as good as healthy feels. 6 slices of pizza would make me feel awful. I like the way I feel now, and I'm willing to continue exerting my self-control to keep this feeling up.

I really don't think I'd be able to do a mudman if I weighed this little?
I'm going to be buff, yo.

5. Loss: 30% of me. That is a crrraazy amount. It's incredibly apparent when I think about how many clothes I have blown through. I'm almost a full third smaller than I was when I started-- and you know what? No matter how long it takes to get out of these last 20ish pounds, I'm going to make it. 

Thanks for reading!