Liz Got Healthy

So. Um. Teammates.

It happened today. I stepped on the scale and the numbers I've been waiting my whole life to see appeared:

154.5

That means my BMI is 24.9.

That means I'm healthy-- barely, but I'm there.

It means that today, I went to the gym and went to work. I wore size 8 pants from The Limited and a size small sweater from Talbot's. I wore heels with pointy toes. I wore make-up and accessories. I look like an entirely different person. Over the past few months, I have had several people legitimately not recognize me (including me which was awkward).

Do I feel like an entirely different person? Mmm. Maybe? I know I look like a different person. I feel much more confident. I know that I can run several miles without stopping. I know I can walk into any store in the mall and pick up a small shirt and it will fit (I mean, except probably Justice-- let's be real, right?)  I've been through an incredibly dramatic physical change-- But am I truly different? I don't really know, teammates. I know that I feel proud of myself, and that I feel healthy. I know that the gym is my second home and they always keep the light on. But as of right now, I just look different. I don't feel a lot different. Is healthiness the same as happiness?

I wonder if it's because even though nine months is not a very long time (and it was almost exactly 9 months-- I started on March 3rd of this year), this transition was very slow. I did not go from a size 22 to a size 8 in a week. Nobody can. It took me almost a year and it took a lot of pain (including the time I clocked myself in the face with a barbell) and a lot of emotional stress.

But, it's what everybody dreams of, right? Getting to your goal weight. Now, I'm not quite there. I'd like to hit 100 pounds total, but I hope that'll happen in December. But I am literally living the dream-- and guess what? I am pretty happy, and proud, but on a whole, I am not happy-er. I still have the same cool job. I still have the same wonderful, loving husband and family. I still have the same apartment and the same car. My daily life has changed in that it has a lot more of the YMCA in it and a lot less burritos, but on a whole, my life is the same. I was always pretty happy, so I am still pretty darn happy! :)

Losing 96.5 pounds did not make me happy, but it has provided an incredible array of amazing little moments. Kind of like money won't make you happy, but you never see people crying on jet-skis, right? The money doesn't make you happy, the experience of the water splashing your feet and the wind in your hair and the sun on your face makes you feel exuberant. So, when I try on an outfit or a look I've always admired, and it fits, I feel excited. When I accomplish something in yoga class or run a mile faster than I ever have before, I feel exhilarated. When I am full after a small serving of something wonderful, I feel content in ways that bingeing has never made me feel content. When I can share clothes with my sister and my best friend for the first time in my life, I feel normal, and that feels amazing.

Happiness? No. I already had that. Little moments of excellence? Yes, definitely.

So, many many many people have asked me how I did it. Specifically they ask "What's the secret?" They are always very sad when I tell them the secret is MATH. Calories Out minus Calories In should always be a positive number. That's how you will lose weight. You can eat organic, unhealthy, vegan, whatever. I pretty much live off of protein bars, cereal, fruits and vegetables. I do a lot of different things at the gym, but really, that's not important. The important thing is the math. Everyone is different, so the actual "less food more moving" part can and should vary greatly. Also, this is my method-- and there are many. So as usual, take it with a grain of salt (but not if you're watching your sodium).

• Find a way to get quantified. You will need two pieces:
• Something to track your movement (Calories Out) (I got a Fitbit, which I love. You might want a Jawbone or a Bodybugg or a Garmin or just an old school pedometer).
• Something to track your food intake (Calories In). Fitbit can do this on their website, or you can use calorieconnect, caloriecount, sparkpeople or any number of other calorie websites.
• Start having a caloric deficit. You need to burn more than you eat. Period. When you're starting, a deficit of 500 calories a day is not a bad plan. You'll lose about 1 pound a week at that rate. You can do this by:
• Knowing your BMR-- this is how many calories you burn if you literally lay in bed all day.
• Eating less (But TRACK what you eat, no matter how much it is! WRITE IT DOWN!)
• Moving more (I suggest doing as many different activities as physically possible).
• Be diligent. Think of Madeye Moody in the Harry Potter series, yell to yourself "CONSTANT VIGILANCE!" if you can. Or invent another mantra. Mine was "NO EXCUSES!" because I am a serial excuse-maker. Know that every time you choose to move instead of sit, every time you turn down a cookie, you are creating a deficit. The bigger that deficit is, the better (to a point, don't go crazy now).
• Don't let a small indulgence ruin your day. Eating one hershey's kiss is not a disaster (25 calories, that's okay). Eating 9 and then throwing up your hands and having 2 cookies and 3 glasses of wine on the other hand, will absolutely set you back. Indulge, savor, and STOP. 

Team, I'm not special or lucky or really even particularly brilliant for coming up with this plan. Really, I'm just stubborn. It's a lifelong process and I have been incredibly fortunate to have the monetary and emotional support to get it kickstarted for myself. I have been humbled by all of the support, praise and encouragement you've all given me throughout this process. I have been humbled by how many people have asked me what they can do to be healthier. If you want to be healthier, that is awesome, but please remember, it is your journey. You have to do it in your time, and in your way.

I'm sure I will post again, but thank you for reading.

Team, I couldn't have done it without you.

3 Ways to Trick Yourself into Working Out

Good morning, blogfriends! I hope you're all well and having a great weekend! I know that I am. I've had a really good week, actually. My weight-loss story was featured in our local newspaper and my best friend and I got to go on a fancy date! On the weight-loss front, I'm down to 167.5 and inching closer to my goal of 100 pounds. I'm smaller, faster and stronger than I was when I was in college and high school. Yesterday I ran 3 miles for the first time to prepare for my upcoming 5k! Things are going really well on that front.

We are just ridiculously adorable.

But guess what, team? Yesterday I did not want to run 3 miles. It was about 40 degrees and raining where I live. Running in circles around my neighborhood was about the last thing I wanted to do. I did it anyway, but it definitely took some mental doing. The good part was that it got me thinking about the little tricks I've used throughout my process to get myself moving!

People report that getting to the gym is one of the hardest things for them to do-- so, the following are my sneaky self-trickery suggestions!

1. Trick Yourself with Small Steps. If you're like  me, yesterday afternoon I was curled up in my computer chair with a blanket in sweatpants, moccasins and a sweatshirt. (Sidenote: I am FREEZING approximately 400% of the time now-- my body cannot figure out how to regulate its temperature for the life of me.) It was windy as all-get-out and I did not want to go outside for any reason. I did not want to be a Lizsicle. But you know what I could do? Put my exercise socks on. I put my exercise socks on and soon I found myself trading my sweatpants for my thermal running pants. Then my sweatshirt for my "tech" jacket. Then I was in the kitchen, lacing up my running shoes and making sure my latest Zombie Run mission was downloaded.

Or wet. Usually I just feel wet and a little concerned that I might have I hit my head awhile back and just don't remember it, because otherwise, why am I running in the rain?!

The very hardest part is that first step. Here's the trick: it's likely that after you take that first step, the other steps will be easier, eventually leading to you moving your body. Agree with yourself that you will start with something tiny, like putting on your exercise shoes. Most likely, once you're standing up and in your exercise shoes (or outfit, or whatever small piece you choose-- the actual exact piece does not matter), you will start feeling more motivated, and it won't seem so awful to get all the way dressed. Then going outside or to the car won't seem as awful-- before you know it you're in the gym parking lot or trekking around the neighborhood. You might feel a little confused as to how this happened to you, but rest assured, it's only because you manipulated your own brain, like some kind of awesome super villain.

You know your brain... now TRICK IT!

All because you put your socks on!

2. Think About Two Kinds of Rewards. If you ask me why I want to get and stay healthy, I might actually get a little emotional as I explain to you how I want to live a long life with my husband, be a good example for the children in my life, feel free to travel and hike, and look and feel like my best self.  I might start quoting people and saying things like "Excellence is not an act but a habit," (Aristotle) "Rise up, take courage and do it." (Ezra 10:4) or "Bid me run, and I will strive with things impossible," (Shakespeare). It's like "if you give a mouse a cookie," yo. You should probably honestly not let me start-- I'll probably start crying and tell you about my "best self."

Except... I am training for a 5k, and I do kind of want to impress you...
I guess this isn't super-accurate.

However, on the days when I don't want to work out or I really really want some cheesecake, it's most often not those large-frame ideas that keep me on the healthiness path. To be completely honest, when I shove myself off the couch, it's usually because I crave the tiny rewards I've set up for myself like feeling proud of how many steps I've taken on Fitbit, filling my workout box with pink highlighter, looking forward to my morning weigh-in or just remembering how amazing, exhausted and content I feel after a hard workout.

Are there some days where just the thought of being my "best self," gets me to the gym? Sure, but not very many-- usually thinking about my best self just makes me want to write essays. It's because those sweeping ideals are somewhat intangible and we live in a very feedback-obsessed, instant gratification world-- on a daily basis, it's easier to focus on small rewards. I find I need to have deeper reasons for what I'm doing in general but I also need a reason for doing it today.

Team, my suggestion is to think about your big reasons to get healthy, but also keep some tiny rewards for yourself-- those are the ones that will get you through the drudgery. Your tiny rewards don't have to be the same as mine-- give yourself a dollar or eat a hershey's kiss every time you go on a workout! The only rule for this is that your little reward shouldn't be a food more caloric than your workout-- don't go for a half-hour jog then eat a whole Qdoba burrito as your reward. I promise this will not result in healthiness in a long-term way.

3. Think of the People Who Support You-- and the People Who Don't. Back to my story from yesterday-- it was actually a text from my dad that prompted me to even use my "put your socks on" trick in the first place. My dad is absolutely one of my biggest supporters. We can talk about running, weight loss and healthiness for hours and hours. Here is our text conversation from yesterday:

People are always surprised how much I text my dad. I remind them that I am four on the inside and four-year-olds badly need their parents :)

Well, I can't very well disappoint my biggest supporter, can I? Especially since my dad actually ran TWELVE miles yesterday. I played the "just put your socks on," trick on myself and went.

It's not always my dad that I think of, often it's people I barely know or people who I haven't talked to in a long time. I think of the people who read my blog or click 'like' on each of my 10 pound pictures on facebook. Oftentimes it's people who've told me that they have started working out and getting healthy because I inspired them-- which has been one of the most rewarding parts of this process. I don't want to disappoint these folks. I often think about the people who encouraged me right at the beginning, when my healthiness process seemed like a barely-achievable pipe dream. I often think of my mom and my family and my best friend and my husband, who have all loved me at an incredible variety of weights.

You need your supporters for obvious reasons. Someone has to be there to cheer your successes and encourage you in your struggles every day, not just on the healthiness front. These people are there for you whether you lose 5 pounds or eat an entire box of toaster strudels.

However, there will always be detractors. I don't have a lot of them that I'm aware of, but I know there are a handful of folks who kind of wish I'd stop it and shut up. I know at least a few people straight-up scoffed and thought I couldn't do it. No one has said this to me directly, but people do love to pass information along. Gossip is powerful, teammates. I think of the people who say and have said hurtful things about me and other overweight women. I think about the icky societal standards for women to be thin and twiggy and I find I can do a few more pushups. This is rarely what gets me out the door, but it is sometimes what pushes me that extra mile.

Just imagine someone you don't particularly like stroking this cat in a pretentious office.
BAM! Instant personal super villain!

Superman is just a weirdo with a cape without Lex Luthor. You need a nemesis even if it's just glutinous fat, unfair societal grossness or your own skinny jeans and not an actual person.

Conclusion: If you can trick yourself with small steps, be sure you have those two types of motivation (both sweeping goals and little treats) and utilize all of the people in your life-- well, I've lost more than 80 pounds, so it worked for me! If you do enough of these things on a consistent basis, you might start finding yourself at the gym the same way you find yourself in the shower or at work. It'll just seem like a normal place to be; a normal thing to be doing. Maybe I'll see you there! :)

Gains and Losses

Team... it's plateau time again. A time of frustration and pain. A time of More Exercise, Less Food. A time of weighing myself and sighing, with the knowledge that science tells me I should be losing weight and somehow I am not.

The betrayal of science is deep indeed.

It is calories in and calories out, but I can't healthily and safely eat any less calories than I do. I'm at the bottom of the barrel at 1200 a day for an adult woman. And while I can definitely put in 2-3 hours at the gym on Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays--- Monday through Thursday that gets difficult.

Though let's be real, these days were always going to be difficult.

The point is, to break a plateau you have a few options. The best of which is to increase your intensity. To be completely honest, I don't cheat on my diet. I exercise every day. I haven't skipped an exercise day or cheated on my diet (except for rest-days, which are required for my continued good health and 1 cheat meal a month) since March 3rd.  It's just not possible for me to get more intense right now and still sleep enough, attend work and spend a marginal amount of time with my friends and family.

Honestly, my real chart is more like 3 circles, and they are Work, Exercise and Internet

Basically the only other option is just to slog onward. So that's what I'm going to do. But! It won't help to have a slog onward attitude! I am going to rededicate myself to being excited about this process instead of exhausted by it. So today I want to talk to you about the things that I've gained and lost.

1. Gain: Self-Esteem. Somewhere along the line, I stopped wearing flattering clothes. I stopped wearing makeup. I stopped wearing any jewelry. I stopped enjoying shopping. I hated mirrors. I did not want to go swimming or walking or really anywhere that would make me sweat embarrassingly or really, use my body at all. Now, well, look out world. I may still be 20 pounds overweight, but I'm not ever going to let that stop me again. I have the confidence to do what I want and wear what I want.  I have a sense of self worth derived not from how good I look (which is good, by the way) but by my progress and achievements.

I don't want to brag (okay, yes I do) but I can totally do this now.

2. Gain: Strength. I did a bridge the other night in yoga class. I haven't been able to do one since high school. The other day I did an arm dip-- not quite the same as a pull-up (which is on my bucket list, by the way) but close. I can do pushups. I can hold a plank. I can ALMOST do the crow pose. If I focused just on losing, losing, losing, I would never be able to do these things. I want to be strong. Plus, I'd be way flabbier than I already am if I didn't!

3. Loss: My Mind. I've been keeping a one sentence journal for about a year and a half. When I look back at last year's entries, I mention many times that I "need a hobby," and am "not doing much." Well, now I have one. I have a series of fitness and running-related goals. I'm always working toward something, looking forward to my next event. I don't know that I would have been brave enough to push myself to do... much of anything that wasn't purely academic before this process. There are enough fitness challenges in the world I might never be able to do them all. I don't know that I'll ever be able to run a marathon, but that doesn't mean I can't improve my 5k time. My current best is 39:14. Still pretty slow, but I'm doing one 10/19/13 so we will see what happens!

I left my house at around 6:30 this morning. Where I live it is still very dark at 6:30. Very dark, quite cold and a little wet. But as I got warmed up and finally broke into a jog, I felt an incredible sense of elation. I felt unmistakably alive. I have become one of those crazy people who loves to run. I've completely lost it, teammates, and that is a-ok with me.

Apparently running in the dark is a thing. For me it just so happens to be dark!

4. Gain: Self-Control. My relationship with food has completely changed. While some part of me is still terrified (TERRIFIED) that I'll binge and fall off the wagon and regain all of the weight, but I honestly don't think it is too much of a threat, when I'm logical. One consequence of eating as little as I do is that my stomach is very small. I get full very quickly. Some people who change their eating habits describe developing an aversion to sweets-- this has not happened. But I never would have been able to eat only 3 Pumpkin Spice M&Ms (which is how many make up 25 calories). I wouldn't be able to control myself. I am not interested in looking like a fashion model, and I do think Kate Moss was wrong when she said "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels." But for me, it is true that nothing tastes as good as healthy feels. 6 slices of pizza would make me feel awful. I like the way I feel now, and I'm willing to continue exerting my self-control to keep this feeling up.

I really don't think I'd be able to do a mudman if I weighed this little?
I'm going to be buff, yo.

5. Loss: 30% of me. That is a crrraazy amount. It's incredibly apparent when I think about how many clothes I have blown through. I'm almost a full third smaller than I was when I started-- and you know what? No matter how long it takes to get out of these last 20ish pounds, I'm going to make it. 

Thanks for reading!

4 Healthiness Tips I Completely Ignore

Hello teammates! As I continue to make progress on my journey, I like to keep looking at tips and tricks on various websites. Greatist is my favorite because they actually use scholarly-reviewed journals to write their articles. I also loves me the Health and Fitness boards on Pinterest. Let's be real, for the past 6ish months, I've soaked in basically anything that had any intention of helping me get healthier. When I look forward to my last 25 pounds (yep! I hit the 75lb mark!) I know I'm going to need all the help I can get!

I'm seriously obsessed with these people.

 I try a LOT of different things. Sometimes they work, and sometimes they don't.  Sometimes, I don't listen to the suggestions, and I do okay! It turns out, like I've said before, weight loss is about calories. How many you eat and how many you burn. I gain and lose from eating too much sodium, not drinking enough water and building muscle too, so it's not an exact-exact formula. However, I find that as long as I exercise hard and keep to my calorie limits, everything else is kinda moot in the long run.

The other thing I know about weight loss is that it's an intensely personal journey. Everyone does it in their own way and in their own time. I don't get to tell anybody else how to do it, and nobody gets to tell me how to do it. Even experts, because I sure do like to ignore their advice!

So, without further ado, 4 Healthiness Tips I Completely Ignore and a BONUS!

1. Eat Small Amounts of Dark Chocolate to Curb Sweetness Cravings.
 It seems strange, now that I think about this, that the writers of fitness blogs and articles accept that most people will need to have something sweet on occasion, but insist that it is this one special thing... dark chocolate. I have never liked dark chocolate. As a matter of fact, as a kiddo, I didn't even really like milk chocolate. I chose white chocolate or vanilla of whatever I got a choice for. I'm fairly certain even Tiny-Fatkid-Lizzy turned down chocolate ice cream, which I just straight up don't enjoy.

It makes my teeth hurt just looking at it. Bleck.

But, health gurus (self-proclaimed or otherwise) repeat this tip ad nauseam. Skip milk chocolate they say, it often has cream and other additives that make it more caloric. Plus,  they add, dark chocolate provides antioxidants!  Well, there's just one problem with that, folks. I hate dark chocolate. Eating a small amount of dark chocolate just makes me sad and miss coldstone's cake batter ice cream.

So I straight-up ignore this rule. I do eat chocolate. I eat very small amounts of milk chocolate,on ocassion. Furthermore, I don't see the problem with eating other bite-sized candies, as long as you're able to keep yourself under control, have a beensy amount of whatever candy you want. I have caramel-apple Werthers AND Hershey's kisses in my desk right now! I eat one about every other day and it is AWESOME.

2. Have a Cheat Day
Whoever invented this tip had not studied up on binge-eating and the folks who struggle with it. Sir or Madam, you clearly have no comprehension of the amount of calories I am capable of consuming in a 24 hour period. I understand that for people avoiding certain foods, or people who don't struggle with binge eating, this makes the rest of the week bearable, and only messes with your calories a little bit. For me... well, it could be disastrous.

Let me explain to you the damage I could do with a cheat day. Let's take yesterday for instance. Yesterday, according to my FitBit, I burned 2941 calories-- that's a lot, I ran 1.4 miles and shopped and went on a walk. That means if I wanted to stay the weight that I am today, I could have eaten almost 3000 calories. I do not want to stay this weight, I want to lose weight, so I ate around 1200 calories.

On a bad day in 2010, 2011 or 2012, I could eat upwards of 6000 calories. On a good day, I probably ate around 4000. I struggle with binge eating. If I had a day each week I could eat whatever I wanted, you can bet that I would have several slices of pizza, breadsticks, cheese, probably a burrito, pasta (with more cheese), 4-5 tacos (with yet more cheese) french bread, macaroni and cheese with extra butter--- you get the idea. Then we could get started on dessert! A 6000 calorie day would put me almost 2 full pounds back.

I dare to you guess how many calories this is. Hint: More than I eat in one day.

I lose about 2.5 pounds a week and I work hard to do that. Basically, if I had a cheat day... well, I wouldn't lose any weight at all. So, I am on my "diet" almost all the time. When people ask me why I don't just "calm down," or "relax," or "treat myself," I shove another piece of gum in my mouth and say "I can't be trusted." Because I can't. Others are able to do this-- to enjoy a day where they don't count calories and end up just a few hundred over. That is perfectly awesome, okay and legitimate. As I have said, weight-loss is intensely personal. Having a cheat day each week will never work for me.

With that said, I am not an ascetic. If T gets dessert, I get to eat a bite. As I said above, I've worked approximately 4 hershey's kisses a week into my food-plan. I eat a ridiculous amount of protein bars, which to me taste like candy. Also, I do have one Cheat Meal every month. Each month I make T take me out to Indian food. I eat Saag and basmati rice and 1/4 of a ... slice? piece? circle? of naan. I almost always gain a little the day after this happens, but I gave up burritos and pizza-- I wanted to keep saag. A day every week would wreck me, a meal every month is just a bump in the road. This works for me.

3. Work Out in the Morning
This doesn't work for me. It just doesn't. Although I have been advised that I am a "morning person," because I drive everybody nuts by being chipper without coffee at 8am, I would like to advise you all that, no, I'm really not. I wake up at the absolute latest moment possible and do the most minimal amount of doing and preparing in the mornings. (Sidenote, I'm not really a night person either! I'm really more of a 4 year old who needs like 10 hours of sleep and gets cranky if she doesn't get it).

Yeah, this is not how I roll.

So the idea of actually waking up to work out-- well, I'd never ever go. I go to yoga on Saturday mornings because it happens after 9 and since my schedule is so consistent, my body wakes me up around 6:30-7 even on the weekends. On Sunday mornings I've gone for a Zombie Run (more on Zombie Runs later) almost every week for the past few weeks. However, In general, I can't make myself workout before work. Not only do I not want to get up that early, I get really stressed out about getting to work on time. I work out at night, and this works great for me!

4. Don't Weigh Yourself Every Day

I love/hate my scale so much.

Man, if I had a quarter for every time I heard this one. I weigh myself every single day that I have access to a scale. For realz. I know, scientifically, I can't put too much stake in the numbers. But I find knowing the number to be incredibly motivational. If I'm down even a little bit, I feel good about myself, and have reason to give a little extra. If I'm up a tick or two, I feel motivated, and make sure I stay dedicated all day. Basically, every morning I have to be honest with myself about how I did the day before, and how I'm going to do today. It's a re-dedication, a check-in and a time of commencement. My day has started when I accept my weight and get in the shower or get dressed. I straight-up refuse to change this practice, because (are you noticing a pattern?) it works for me! I won't go into my whole sociological/therapy thing about rituals and created meaning and blah blah blah, but know that it's really important to me.

Bonus Tip:
I hope you're getting the theme here. I had to figure out how to make healthiness work for me. I had to find a way to convince myself to move more (Hello, FitBit!) I had to find a way to work through my binge-eating (Hello, strictly controlled calories and small indulgences!) I had to find a way to make exercise enjoyable for me (Hello iPad, Yoga Class and the Zombies, Run! app!). That's the only way I was/am successful.

Look, it's me!!!

Let's take the Zombies, Run(!) app as an example. I'm fairly certain I have said (along with tons of other people) "I will run if something chases me." Well, problem solved. Now I'm part of a crazy pseudo radio-show/fitness tracker/online game. When I go out for what I call  a "trek," I'm not aimlessly navigating my neighborhood anymore (not that people can't have fun doing that, I just don't). I've got Zombs at six o'clock at 40 meters and they're closing in fast! If I don't reach the supply shed in time, we won't have fuel to run the generators! Complete with Zombie noises, gunfire, alarms and startled British people, the Zombies, Run(!) app changed the way I felt about running. It made it an adventure and motivates me to push myself. It made it work for me. Plus, if you recall, one of my first posts was about being the heroine of my own life. Well, if saving lives in a zombie apocalypse isn't being heroic... I just don't know where I'ma find dragons to slay!

So my tip-- find what makes it all work for you. Please feel free to ignore it! ;)

I Guess I Run Now

So, updates! This morning I weighed 184 pounds. On Sunday I ran my first mile. I now wear a size 14. What do these things mean?

• I'm no longer obese (now I'm merely 29 pounds overweight, haha!)
• I weigh less than my (male, 6'4") spouse for the first time in our 6-year relationship.
• I have lost 67 pounds, which is, of course 67% of my 100-lb goal!
• I'm approximately 33% done with my goal of running a whole 5k.
• I own bright pink skinny jeans. I intend to wear them.

Though I doubt I'll look like this-- or wear black pumps, but it will be good.

That's the run-down team. What I really want to talk about today is running. I posted on Facebook and twitter about my run, but I didn't tell a lot of people that I had started running. Probably because I honestly didn't think, even 67 pounds later, that I'd be able to do it. In middle school and high school, I was 100% that stubborn girl walking the mile. Very much like my dislike for tag-- I had no desire to be measured at doing something I knew I wasn't good at. 

Do I even need to caption this?!

When I was younger, that was how I rolled. Now, I believe I could do pretty much anything I have the time, funds and patience to practice for about 10,000 hours (right dad? :) )

Also, I'm straight-up a suck-up and an over-achiever, so when I saw this gorgeous running medal apparatus with a Shakespeare quote ("Bid me run, and I will strive with things impossible.") I was a little bit lost to the cause-- I wanted a MEDAL! I knew I needed to make a running goal if I wanted to do 5ks (or 10ks! or half marathons!) Specifically, I needed a SMART goal.

Not that I expect to get medals. Maybe a parade, but not medals.

When I say SMART I don't mean "ingenious," or "brilliant." I mean Specific Measurable Attainable Relevant and Time-based goals-- S.M.A.R.T. When I decided I wanted to actually RUN a 5k, I had to sit down and figure my life out.

I love tables that explain things!

How much can I run right now? That answer, a few weeks ago, was half of a mile. I could run half of one mile without feeling like I might die. I decided I would start there. I decided that I didn't want running to take over my exercise life, and I'm already doing an hour of yoga twice a week. I figured more than 5 days of "specialized" training was getting kind of unnecessary. So, I decided I would run 3 days a week. I picked Sunday, Tuesday and Friday since I do yoga on Wednesdays and Saturdays and Monday is rest day (AKA laundry day). Someday I will plan something special for our friend Thursday.

I swear I will come up with something good for you, Thursday.

Anyway, once I decided I needed to start at .5 mile, and 3 days a week. I set up a schedule. I use google docs pretty obsessively, so I added a page to my already-somewhat-OCD Healthiness Spreadsheet. I decided that I would run each 10th of a mile twice, then increase one 10th. So, for those of you who are curious, my running schedule  looks like this:

Bright green means "I DID IT!" also it means go.

It's very specific. It's extremely measurable, since I do all of this on a treadmill. I increase very very very slowly (slower even than couch to 5k programs). It's also relevant to my interests at the moment and beautifully time-based. SMART goals for the win! :)

It's odd, I've never thought of myself as a runner. But then I realized that I didn't have to be a runner, I just have to run. 

Running isn't some kind of bizarre secret club that only thin people in tiny shorts can attend. It's exercise just like any other. I'm not saying it's super-duper fun, but I do understand the draw. No matter how arbitrary 3.2 miles seems, it's a goal. It's something to work toward being able to do that isn't just fitting in jeans the next size down. It's something positive to focus on rather than "getting healthy," which has always felt kind of vague and unquantifiable. 

For fun, since I am taking screencaps of my somewhat OCD healthiness spreadsheet, here's my current weight chart with all of my data points since I started. 

Data! Super-fun!

That's my update and the story of how I started running. Thank you all for reading and for all of your support!

Some Hard-Won Knowledge

Hello, team-mates! Welcome to another dashing adventure! This has been a milestone week for me. I hit the 50lb mark and dipped under 200 pounds. I've been at 199 for a few days now, which is A-OK with me! When I posted my 50lb picture, as has been the pattern, folks came out in droves to congratulate me on my success-- one of the hardest things for me is to take credit for my accomplishments. It was very hard to just say "thanks!" instead of "Yeah, only 49 pounds to go!" And to be honest, I'm pretty sure a lot of people did not get thanked for their compliment. So, sorry about that team. And thank you.

See, it's fancy because that's how much I love you all.

Now that I've had some success, folks have started asking me for advice. I don't really have advice... losing weight/getting healthy is a wildly personal journey. Everyone has to do it on their own time, in their own way. There are some things that science agrees on, but that's for another post. But, since people have asked, I thought about what my best advice really is... so take what I have to say with a grain of salt because I'm not a nutritionist, a dietician, a personal trainer, a therapist (anymore) or anything like that. I'm just me, and this is what I think is important.

Yeah, so consult your doctor before beginning any kind of weight-loss... you know...

With that said, here's your advice:

Today's theme is: Don't Give Up and Don't Hate Yourself. This is hard, teammates. It's seriously, really really hard and it's got some high stakes. If you're struggling with your weight like I currently am-- you know how hard it is daily to not be able to do the things others can do. I promise you, you can change your life if you're ready. Here's the deal. The science is easy. It's a three step process. 1. Eat less. 2. Move More. 3. Get some help. That's (unfortunately) the easy part. The hard part is not giving up when you mess up.

Will you mess up?

Sumtiems u rs a kitteh

Absolutely. I do all the time. I miscount my calories. I fall prey to "fat talk" (which, BTW, science says is super-bad news). I eat more than I should. I eat less than I should. I get lazy at the gym. I push myself too hard at the gym. I try to skip rest day. Some days I forget to eat any "real" food and literally subsist off of protein bars, kashi cereal and lean cuisines! Talk about gross!

Not that I have anything against protein bars or this particular brand, but I really gotta eat real food.

Let me say this with big bold letters: Progress and Perfection are NOT THE SAME THING.

Guess what? Even though once a month I eat a huuuge plate of chicken saag, I've still lost 52 pounds. Even though every Monday I refuse to go to the gym, I still lost 52 pounds. Even though I eat pudding cups, truffles, and LOTS of bites of Tarver's desserts, I still lost 52 pounds. Why? Because even if I slip up, I get back up on the weight-loss... wagon? horse? cupcake?

Because No Excuses means what it means. Messing up is definitely not a reason to give up.

Think of it this way, parents in my audience. Inevitably, at some point, you will make a bad parenting decision (if you have a child, you probably already have). Now, as long as that parenting decision wasn't like, launching your kiddo unprotected into space, you're going to have other parenting days ahead of you. Can you imagine giving up on parenting every time you messed up? If you snapped at Timmy in the morning, just calling it a day and treating him poorly until bedtime? Just accepting that you're an "Awful Parent" and giving up on learning new parenting techniques? Would you ever let someone else raise your little punkin' for you just because you snapped at Timmy for tossing his cherrios?

Space?! Really?! All because you didn't buy the fancy organic baby food?! 

Similar in romantic relationships. If I disappoint T one day (which I inevitably do and will continue to do despite my best efforts, since I'm a human), I don't immediately give up on being kind to him and nurturing our relationship or leave him altogether. I can't "over martyr" myself by throwing in the towel and saying that I'm an awful wife and nothing can change that. I have to accept that these moments are a part of our larger relationship and try to limit them as best I can. Because I want to be a good wife (in my own very modern, I-will-bake-but-can-we-please-hire-someone-else-to-clean way) and one slip up does not make me a bad one.

This is exactly what doesn't happen in our house.

Open your ears in this moment, team. This is probably the most difficult lesson I have ever learned in my life so far: Weight loss and healthiness is about your relationship with yourself. 

On those days when I don't push myself as hard as I should at the gym, when I eat a bunch of chips at a restaurant with my friends, when I have a cocktail and have no clue how many calories it has... that's okay. If I eat a donut for breakfast, I don't throw the whole day out, because that's ridiculous. I love myself. I forgive myself. Messing up and feeding my body something unhealthy does not mean I am a terrible fat kid who is unredeemable. It means I'm people. The fact that I feel bad about it shows that I do care what I do with my body. So when I start getting cranky with myself and feeling like I'll never get there-- I remember that I'm not perfect.

I will have a relationship with my body for as long as I am alive. So I'd better figure out how to get along with it.

Ellen is so damn wise.

Your body, like my body, just wants you to treat it like you'd treat your kids, your spouse, your pets and anything else you love. Feed it, hug it, take it on walks. Get it a hobby. I don't know! You already (hopefully) dress it up and take it out on the town, so get down to loving it and caring for it.

New Rule: Treat yourself at least as nicely as you would this pet rock

I only wish that it was as easy as that all sounds, don't you?

<3L

Why I Don't Regret My Fat Wedding Pictures

Good morning, blogfriends! I'm jumping right in here today, because I feel like this is really important. Before I forget, all of our wedding photography was done by the amazing Yvonne Denault of Yvonne Denault Photography (yvonnedenault.com, seriously check it out. I mean, read my blog first but then check it out).

I had a thought about this last night at our friends' wedding. I thought about it at the last wedding we went to as well.

My thought was this: I probably weighed about my starting weight or more when T and I married in 2011, and very honestly, it showed in the pictures.

And for a long time, even though I love my husband more than rainbows, penguins and unicorns combined, I didn't like looking at most of the pictures, because I couldn't shake the feeling that I looked like a giant cream puff (or more accurately, that I'd consumed a lot of cream puffs).

Yep. Mmm, delicious accuracy.

When I first started losing weight, I even talked about renewing our vows for the sole purpose of buying and wearing a new wedding dress, even though I assembled my wedding outfit with probably more care, thought and attention than many people take to choosing a career or buying a house.

Even though one of my best friends hand-made my bolero. Even though I got my petticoat shipped from New Zealand. Even though I had my shoes hand-sparkled. Even though quite literally a team of people worked their asses off to make me look gorgeous.

Even though none of that should have mattered, because I married the love of my life.

As I saw the numbers dropping, I started thinking about having a vow renewal and re-doing the whole shebang. Looking like the brides in the magazines. Having a strapless gown and an updo (which I wouldn't wear at our wedding-- feeling like my neck did not need any further attention than it already attracted).

I was pretty sure I'd look like this the 2nd time around.

But I don't look like whoever that lady is. Because I'm (spoiler alert!) not a wedding dress model (GASP!)

As I've gussied up for wedding season this summer, I realized, I have been straight up wrong. And seriously shallow and ridiculous. Our wedding wasn't perfect despite my weight. It was perfect because of our love. Weddings aren't about all of that nonsense. Weddings are about this look:

Granted, this is a picture of us looking at Adam Mills, so really, who wouldn't look like this? 

And my wedding pictures aren't ruined because I happened to have a lot of fat on my body. They're beautiful because I was the happiest person in the world that day. The pictures would have looked EXACTLY the same, whether I had long sleeves, short sleeves or no sleeves. They're perfect because Tarver's the best. Because we worked really hard to make our day unique and exciting. Because we love each other times a billion. 

I've started with this little linguistic change... do you like it? :)

My wedding pictures aren't ruined, they're accurate. Having lots of fat didn't mean I couldn't smile. It didn't mean I couldn't dance until I probably got heatstroke. It didn't mean I couldn't flit around and talk to the 140 people who were kind enough to come out and witness our union. It didn't mean we all couldn't sing Don't Stop Believing  at midnight, all together.

It turns out, how much I weighed that day didn't matter at all. The only person it mattered to was me. And it doesn't anymore. I love my wedding pictures, I love my husband, and I love you folks.

Now, does this mean we'll never have a vow renewal? No way, man. We had way too much fun the first time not to try to recreate the magic. But the point won't be how I look in a dress. It'll be bringing everybody together and celebrating love. Because for all of the aesthetic excellence that constitutes modern weddings, they are, at their core, about a community coming together to celebrate love. 

And that definitely happened. :) So, again a big thank you to everyone who made that day magical, and everyone who makes every day magical. Especially to my husband, who was the person who cared the absolute least how I looked in my dress.

This man gets an A+ every day.

 PS: This morning I weighed in at 201.5--- that means sometime next week I will most likely hit the 50 pound mark. Wowsies!