Scandinavian Christmas

Since, according to the huge crowd at the grocery store, Thanksgiving is tomorrow, I hereby bring you a HOLIDAY POST!

Let's be real. For me, Thanksgiving is not a time where I worry so much about how much I eat. Honestly, I don't like turkey, I don't really like mashed potatoes, I like lefse, but not enough to eat too much of it. So Thanksgiving is not so much a time where I feel like I binge too badly, except I do eat more snacks than usual. No, it's not Thanksgiving that causes me problems. You know, it's not even Christmas either, really, since Christmas Eve and Christmas Day are both focused around similar foods. Do you know what holiday I struggle with most?

Well, it's called Lille Julaften.

Say it with me: "LEE-leh YOOL-auf-ten"

It's a cool Scandinavian thing our family still does. Which I both love and don't fully understand.

Most people in Norway and maybe Denmark(?), as far as I can discern from the really badly translated websites, celebrate Lille Julaften (Literally "Little Christmas") on December 23rd. This could be wrong, and if I have Danish or Norwegian readers who want to correct me on ANY of this, please feel welcome to because I had to use google translate and other people's blogs to figure even THIS mishmash out.

Little Christmas occurs to keep the Nisse (Christmas Gnomes) happy. Most Nisse are like elves or gnomes that hang out with your barnyard animals. If you don't appease them, especially on Christmas, they will play tricks on you. If you don't give them food, they will retaliate-- how you may ask?

THIS IS CONFUSING!!!

By REARRANGING your farm animals. I know. I know. Just don't make 'em mad.

 In Norway it's dedicated  to a Norwegian bishop who lived in the 1100s, named (I kid you not,) Thorlakr Thorhallsson. In Norway it's also considered "wash night," where people are supposed to wash? everything?

This is not a joke, the Nisse will REARRANGE.

I've always been kind of unclear about... well, all of that. Anyway, the food and gifts are pretty straightforward, even if the reasoning isn't. So the tradition is to exchange either tiny or white elephant presents and eat aebelskiver and risengrod. And clean. And keep Christmas Gnomes away. I think.

Aebelskivers are pancake balls. With applesauce. I know how to make them and they're FABOO.

Risengrod is a little bit more confusing, since it's Rice Pudding, which I myself have only recently tried out of a box. AMAZING, btw.  But the point of the Risengrod is that there's supposed to be an almond hidden in the big bowl and whoever gets the almond wins a prize! Yay! Almondprize! AND! My grandma told me that if you find the almond, you get good luck all year!  She also mentioned that some people hide a coin instead of an almond. Glogg and Hvidtol (both alcohol!) are also involved somehow.

I hope the Nisse don't take my Almondprize.

Okay, so if it sounds like I have no IDEA what I'm talking about, it's because this tradition wasn't exactly passed down to me from my great-great-grandparents. They did participate in it, as far as I remember, but in our family, we call it Little Christmas and it's more about pizza and games than anything else. Every year we gather at my aunt's house for pizza, games and tiny presents. It is absolutely one of my favorite things. It happens year after year on December 23rd, and has no aebelskiver, or rice pudding and no alcohol.

Ah yes, the ancient tradition of... Godfathers?

Anyway, so that was a long explanation to get to-- Little Christmas is basically my scariest holiday because I LOVE PIZZA. Pizza is like one of my favorite foods, I could eat everything in that picture, seriously! And I'm with my family, who I know totally loves me. Unfortunately, they totally love me, so I BINGE on Little Christmas.

Oh, the pizza is so delicious. I can go eat Godfather's at any time of the year, really, but the pizza at Little Christmas is like, magical. Any suggestions on how to keep the holiday binge under control? What's your favorite/infamous holiday binge food?

Adam's Story-- Total Inspiration!

Hello internets! Today I'm bringing you a special treat! Our dear friend Adam is about to share about his very own healthiness journey! Please read through it, feel inspired, and leave him a comment. Liz-update coming for you tomorrow! Much love! Also, wedding pictures included are by Yvonne Denault of yvonnedenault.com!

Adam's Story:

As of November 22, I am 216 pounds. I'm six feet tall, with a 34 inch waist. I fit comfortably in most Size L shirts and outfits. I can jog about two minutes without my legs feeling like they're on fire, and I can normally do this about five times in a thirty-minute period of time, every six minutes or so. I have a strong sense of balance, and my coordination is improving all the time. If you threw something at me now – a set of keys, or a remote control – I would likely catch it without dropping it or fumbling it against my body. My reflexes are noticeably better than they've ever been, and my mind moves faster too. I have never been this fit – this capable, period – in all my life.

Adam!

That was not the case for me as recently as May 2007. I had just graduated with my Bachelor's Degree and was on vacation in the Rockies with my family. This is me with my father and brother on the Bighorn Mountains:

I would estimate that I was about 330 pounds then. I was 22 then. I had a 48 inch waist. I had to wear either XXL or, worse, XXXL size clothing on a regular basis. I felt like I wore parachutes. I also felt miserable just about every day of my life.

I'd been overweight ever since I was eight. I really ballooned up in size in middle school, but it started in second grade. I've never been a small boy – I have a large frame, with big joints and a thick skeletal structure – but I couldn't write off my size as just being “big-boned.” I didn't have healthy eating habits, and I never participated in athletic activities as a kid. I sat around a lot, reading, watching TV, and playing video games. The few times I did try to play outside with other kids, they didn’t want me around because, well, no one wants a fat kid on their sports team.

I got bullied a lot for being overweight, and when you're bullied pretty often about something, you start to believe it, no matter how hard you fight it. Over time, I cultivated this belief that I was pretty worthless. I gave up on trying to be social and outgoing by the time high school rolled around. I just wanted to be left alone because I felt like I didn't have anything to offer anyone: as a friend, as a lover, as, well, anything. I didn't have many friends, partly because deep down, I think I believed I wasn't worth knowing.

I still remember coming home from vacation in 2007 and seeing the photos we took after we had them processed. I almost cried when I saw that picture of myself at the Bighorn Mountains with me and my dad. I saw how I shrank away from the camera and took awkward poses so my bulk wouldn't be so evident. There I was, in photos with my family, trying to enjoy my intimate company, and I was trying to disappear.

Immediately after that, I took up walking with my dad. We walked every day during that summer, rain or shine. I cut out sugars and starches, and I lost almost forty pounds. I dropped below 300 pounds for the first time since middle school. I was ecstatic.

And then school started. I slacked off. I holed up in my dorm room, watching cartoons and playing video games. I took the shuttle between classes instead of walking on campus. I went back for seconds and thirds on fatty food in the cafeteria. Not surprisingly, I ballooned back up to 320 pounds by the next summer.

So I tried again. This time, I walked alone much of the time, since my dad had started having trouble with his joints. I repeated my diet from the previous summer, this time slashing my caloric intake in half. I dropped down to a little over 270 pounds. I felt and looked fantastic. That was the first time in decades that I actually looked “skinny,” especially in comparison to where I was at the beginning of that summer. When I returned to school at the end of the summer, I couldn’t walk down the hallway in the English Department without someone congratulating me on my progress. It felt like I had really turned a corner.

(And I'll say this right now: I ultimately believe that successful decisions to lose weight have to be spurred on by internal motivation, but damn it if it doesn't feel good for progress in weight loss to be validated by other people. Especially when you're called “cute” for the first time since first grade.)

But bad habits and destructive thinking came back in a big way. My weight loss plateaued a few weeks into the school year, and I became discouraged. I was busy with second-year graduate work, and I used that as an excuse for sitting around and eating crappy food. Not surprisingly, by the end of the summer I had jumped back up to 300 pounds.

I have to say this right now, and this was easily the worst part of being overweight: I gave up on myself. I didn’t want to be fat, but I got it in my head that I would never be anything but fat. I assumed that I would never have any real friends. I would never be really happy; I would just have to live with it. If you thought that was the saddest, most depressing thing you’ve ever heard, I wouldn’t argue against it.

Time to fast forward a bit, to the spring of 2010. That previous January I had my first residency for the Stonecoast MFA Program. I met Liz's husband (then boyfriend) Tarver when we roomed together. Tarver and I became fast friends, and I met so many great people from all over the country. I was till about 300 pounds at this time.

There's Adam over there on the left!

That residency brought so much happiness to me, but I also felt sad because I realized how profoundly unhappy I was otherwise. I knew then that I didn’t want to be so unhappy anymore, that I didn’t just have to live with it. My weight loss didn’t start here, but the mindset that led to it began.

Then, in May, my mom started a new weight loss plan using a supplement called HCG. I was still being a bit lazy about actually getting a weight loss regimen started, although I was eating less sugars and starches (always a good thing). My parents more or less taunted me into joining mom on the HCG plan. My dad told me, “You’re always talking about how you want to get serious about losing weight. Stop talking about getting serious and actually do it. Try this plan with Mom; what do you have to lose?” Mom told me that she’d be delighted to have someone else in the house doing the weight loss plan with her, so she wouldn’t be alone in it.

I joined in on the HCG plan. That summer, before the July residency at Stonecoast, my second residency, I lost 35 pounds off of my weight from the previous residency, bringing me down to 265 pounds. Even better, I didn’t hit a plateau. Or rather, I did, but I moved through it by continuing the diet and remembering my early successes, knowing that if I stuck with the plan good things would happen.

It was a hard diet plan to follow – low calories, no sugars or carbs – but it resulted in the creation of excellent habits. I weaned myself off soda and sugary drinks. I discovered that I really liked the taste of vegetables and fruits (apples taste so much better than any candy bar to me, even now). I experimented with different vegetables in my omelettes, discovering the difference between banana peppers and bell peppers.

And it was hard to argue with the results.

My self-confidence climbed. Not soared – not yet – but it still climbed. It helped that people from the previous residency couldn’t stop telling me how much better I looked. That was so empowering: being deprived of that kind of feedback most of my life, then experiencing it for the first time all at once. Like I said before, successful weight loss is ultimately influenced by your own internal motivation, but damn if it doesn’t feel good when people notice.

I wasn’t done yet. I wanted to go farther. The thing is, ever since I was in high school – ever since I was upwards of 340 pounds – I had this recurring dream. A few times a month, when I slept, I dreamed that I stood in front of a mirror, my big fat body in front of the bathroom sink, a towel wrapped around my waist like I’d just gotten out of the shower. Staring back at me from the mirror’s reflection was a trim, broad-shouldered man with a gentle smile. It was me, the version of me that I hoped existed under all of that extra weight. The more weight I lost, the closer I got to looking like that version of myself. I wanted to see if I could go all the way.

I came home and continued my HCG regimen, spurred on my recent success, my family’s support, and my friends’ reactions. I thought, if they liked me then, wait ‘til they see what’s next.

By the January 2011 residency, I dropped to 220 pounds, with the same measurements as I mentioned at the beginning of this post. Even before I returned to Stonecoast, I felt euphoric about my weight loss. I looked great. I felt great. I ran faster, jumped higher, and slept better. I even thought faster and at a more complex level. My writing also hit a new, higher level of development and quality; that can’t be mere coincidence.

Adam's classiness factor? Oh, super-high.

This massive weight almost literally fell from my shoulders. All of the memories and pain accumulated from years of bullying and self-doubt were negated. They didn’t go away – I suspect they’ll never completely go away, simply because that’s just how memories work – but they no longer held power over me. I had hit a reset button, and I felt like my life had a fresh start.

I’ve kept that weight off for a whole year now. It hasn’t been too hard; it’s just a matter of maintaining the habits that got me to this position in the first place. I keep the sweets and starches to a minimum when I can. I still gain weight back sometimes, but I stay in a target zone with a range of about five pounds. If I stray out of that zone, I hold back on some things and work back to where I should be.

Since I lost that weight, I’ve had a year to observe the changes that have been made by my new body. I’ve already discussed how I feel, physically, mentally, and emotionally. I don’t have to be so self-conscious about myself now. I can loosen up and relax. I feel comfortable in my own skin for once. I take more risks now; I try new things. The previous me definitely wouldn’t have had the will to travel to see Tarver and Liz's wedding on my own, much less get up in front of everyone and read a sonnet of Shakespeare’s during the ceremony.

And it was a FABULOUS reading!

It’s so much easier to socialize now. I feel – I know now, as I should have known all along – that I’m worth getting to know, and I act with a stronger sense of confidence and focus as a result. And, apparently, it’s obvious. I’ve made and maintained a lot of new friendships over the last few years, and I don’t think I could’ve done it without the fundamental changes that have taken place for me. Not that I think my new friends wouldn’t have liked me, but it’s so different now that I actually like myself.

I also get a lot more positive attention now from the opposite sex, which is awesome. I felt like I was made of kryptonite when I was overweight. No romance for me, basically, although I did make female friends in the process. But that was when I bothered to even try and approach a girl in the first place. Since the bulk of my weight loss, I’ve gotten a low of compliments about my looks and my personality, way more than before. The trick now is catching up on what I’ve missed the past few decades. I have no idea how to take compliments much of the time because I’m not used to it! I still feel out of my depth sometimes trying to figure out relationships; call it leftovers from my previous attitudes. I worry about whether or not I do things the right way, simply because I didn’t get much of a chance to do it before. Good thing I’m sure as hell willing to try it now.

I still don’t completely know how I feel about the treatment I’ve received since I lost weight. On the one hand, it’s so overwhelmingly positive. Being treated better – knowing that, in some circumstances, I’m actually desired – has been great fuel for my self-confidence. Plus, everyone wants to be treated like they’re not a leper, or invisible, which is how I often felt when I was overweight. At the same time, besides the higher level of confidence and relaxation, I really don’t act all that different from when I was overweight. People judge me totally differently based on my appearance alone now. They treat me much more fairly than before in just about every circumstance: in the classroom, in the supermarket, in the bowling alley, etc.

What’s funny, and sad, is how some people have decided it’s okay to crack fat jokes around me now that I’m not overweight. Let’s put it this way: I don’t laugh along. No one should. Worse still, I hear so much on a regular basis along the lines of “I hate fat people.” This is a horrid attitude, plain and simple, indicative of an ignorance of what it feels like to actually be overweight, at best, or a deep, startling lack of humanity and compassion, at worst (Liz says: seriously. I have talked about this before on the blog and it's never any less true. It's mean, hurtful and absolutely does nothing to make people want to get healthier).

Adam, on the far right with a whole pile of new friends!

Weight loss is not a solitary act. Sure, my weight loss plan was successful in part because I believed in it and the ultimate success it would bring me, but that belief was reinforced by the response of the people around me and the support my family and friends gave me. On the flip side, being bullied and ignored for being overweight only made me more depressed at a time when I wasn’t as emotionally mature as I am now (assuming, of course, I actually am emotionally mature now). Someone has to build up enough willpower to convert those kinds of negative actions into energy for change, and the support of friends and family can help build that will. Even at the age of 25, when I undertook the bulk of my weight loss, I still needed the kindness and encouragement of my parents, my brother, and my friends from Stonecoast to reassure me that I could do what I knew I was capable of doing. I needed their pressure to own up to my mistakes whenever my backslid, knowing that they pressured me because they wanted me to succeed, not because they derived pleasure from making me uncomfortable. They helped make me accountable and recognize the immense willpower I didn’t even realize I had.

I’m not done yet. I met my first big goal: losing the weight in the first place. I lost it by adopting healthier habits, tapping into my willpower and drive, and being moved by the response I received from my loved ones. Then I met my next big goal: keeping the weight off a whole year. What’s next? The way I see it, I’m 27 years old. I spent 18 of those years overweight, 66% of my life. I want to make it to 36 keeping all that weight off, maybe even losing some more along the way, toning up and refining the progress I’ve made. My next goal after that will be making it to 37. By then, I will have been healthy and fit for the majority of my life, and for every year afterward that majority will only increase. I’m already looking forward to it.

Liz Says: So cheers, to a happier, healthier, more social and no less cuddly Adam!

Can Has Motivation?

Welcome, internets, to my 30th Blog post! It is also the 4-week mark of my healthiness journey! Thusfar, I have officially lost 4 pounds!

This picture looks like I scanned wrapping paper...

The update today is thusly-- I am lacking in motivation! Today was not necessarily a bad day, food-wise, such that I stayed under 1800 calories, however, I did not get my fruits in (success with vegetables, though, yay me!) and I also took up several calories with ice cream. I believe I am allowed to eat ice cream sometimes. The lacking in motivation piece comes later, where I get home from work at five and had the entire evening to get dressed and go to the gym, and didn't.

Man, if I lived in Jurassic park or on that show Terra Nova, I'd totally get my exercise.
Or totally get eaten.

Internets, beloved family and friends, you know I try to be honest with you. I publish my weight, I tell you when I really want a burrito, I share about being a total crybaby when it comes to fitness. I am sharing with you today that I didn't exercise because I didn't feel like it. So what's the difference between severe laziness and going along with your body's desire to go on adventures and sit reading rather than going to the exercise place?

Samplers are a sign of the times. No wonder Oppositional Defiant Disorder is on the rise.
Samplers are such a bad influence.

Here's the deal. I had all night. I could have easily packed up and done 45 minutes at the gym. What's going on with me that I don't? I'm no longer scared of the gym, in general I am not a lazy person-- maybe a procrastinator, but being a therapy intern and going through a master's program leaves no space for laziness. Could it be that I just am not used to going yet and don't feel like it's in my schedule? Was yoga class so awesome last night that I feel like it won't be as cool?

How can you top yoga?

Yes, it's possible that Yoga class was just so awesome. But yoga class is only once a week, and that is not enough movement to keep me going. I need to think of some things to motivate me to get to the gym. Getting healthy is such a life-change that doing all of these things at once is difficult. That's a lot of motivation to have to have every day! Eat well! Don't eat a burrito! Exercise! Keep moving! Gah!

I think I have to both be easier on myself and harder on myself. That sounds complicated, but I need to be more accepting that this is going to be a difficult and long process. With that in mind, I have to push myself to keep exercising and eating well despite the challenges getting healthy brings. 

There were a thousand more fitting images.
I just love office space. It's greeaat.

As I like to do on this blog, I'ma get a little psychological. Where does motivation come from? What is it about? Can it be created? Well-- there are many competing theories of change. But on a very base level, change has to come from values. If you don't value, say, money, there's no reason to work for a promotion that pays more. In this case, getting healthy represents a number of different values, such as health, appearance, longevity and mental peace. 

Cheesy textbook graphics? YES PLEASE!

But on a daily basis, that feels really really vague and unattainable. I have the pieces broken down into little goals-- you can see them at the side of my blog, but maybe motivation needs to be broken down as well. One of my biggest struggles, even as a therapist is being to broad and general. I tend to make goals for myself and for my clients that aren't small and specific enough. It makes sense if you consider that my first collegiate training was in Sociology. 

Sociology: The Study of Society.
Yeah, it's big.

So, let's work on this. Let's bring it down a level. What can I tell myself on a day like today when I clearly need to go to the gym, clearly have time to go to the gym, and have no reason not to go? Let's be real, I need a little bit more accountability than even my extremely public blog provides. 

I liked the idea before of dedicating 5 pounds to a person. Considering that I'm losing weight at a purposefully slow pace, that might be a long time for one person to feel or be responsible for my motivation. I believe that incorporating change into relationships solidifies change, so I think having accountabilibuddies is kind of a good way for me to go. What if it was a week at a time, and your role was to expect a call or a text from me, informing you that I had, in fact, exercised? Or contact me through email each day for a week with some encouragement?

This is kind of kitty abuse...

Maybe I could encourage you too, if you wanted! What do you think? Would you be my accountabilibuddy for a week? 

On my own, I just look like that kitty up there, hoping that everyone around me will just get fat. I can do this on my own, but I think it will work better with help-- that's why I have the blog :)

Thank you for reading my Thirtieth post! Onward!

Honor Your Body (No Matter What)

Hello internets! I am coming to you live from Rachael and Andrew's house with Tarver! We came straight here from the Y and my first evar Yoga class! This post is a little bit about self-esteem, also about the tale of my first ever yoga attempts.

This is not the story of how I became a prenzel.

 Let's start at the beginning. Unlike the last group exercise class I attended,  I came into the room and there were only a few people there! There was an older lady! There was a man! I sat down next to a lady already curled up with her soles pressed together and I said "Hi! You look like you know what you're doing already!" And she smiled back (!) and said she took the first round of yoga classes but she wants to get better. Friendly!

The instructor went around and chatted with some people briefly. She asked if I had ever taken a yoga class before, and when I told her no, she smiled (again with the smiles!) and said "Good!"

She started the class by letting us know that we didn't have to go into any poses that hurt us or pushed us too far. And then she said,

"Always make sure you are honoring your body. Yoga is about honoring your body, not pushing it too hard."

Rachael: NOT honoring your body!

Rachael: I wanna jump with ladies! Body honor!

Seriously, I teared up a little. That's not a joke. It's possible that I had never ever thought about my body as something to be honored. Especially not when I spend most of my life feeling ashamed of my body, trying to cover it up, and feeling angry with myself.  When in reality, my body works pretty well. I don't even have tendonitis anymore! I can walk, I can dance minimally, I still fit in airplane seats and am maybe working on moving out of the "blob" phase!

Let's be real-- airplane seats aren't gonna get any bigger.
Actually, they'll probably get smaller.

Yoga class was actually at about the right speed for me. Some of the things were challenging, some felt easy, but most of the things felt about right. I have terrible "body memory," so I'm really glad I can take this 5-week class basically as many times as I want until I get to the next level. Again, my high school friends can attest to how painfully long it takes me to learn even the simplest of dance moves. So going really slowly was actually very helpful for me. 

I totally succeeded at this pose! 

I was just showing Andrew about my incredible failure at butt in the air pose or as Andrew calls it "Downward Facing Dog." Right Andrew? "CORRECT!" Actually, butt in the air pose was the only one that I completely failed at. The other ones actually went pretty well. Having the poses go pretty well made it possible for me to think about my breathing and looking contemplatively at my body. There are some pretty cool things about me, it turns out.

Cool thing #1, despite being quite large, it turns out I'm pretty flexible. I felt pretty good about that. Even though I was clearly bigger than the other people around me, I was bending and flexing without a problem.  Except for the ways my fat prevents me from bending (seriously, that's a real, awful truth), I could do almost all of the things at a good level of bendiness.

Cool thing #2, I'm not graceful, definitely not lithe or lissome, but I try really hard. I could easily continue to get bigger and bigger, sitting at home trying to get all the achievements on Civ 5.  But there I was, ridiculous arms and all, waving around and trying to stand still with everybody else. I mean, if I could equate myself to anything, it might be like, an elephant. Determined, good memory, smart-- but really, really not graceful and really really can't jump.

Elephants are totally majestic.

Nearing the end of the class, the teacher turned down the lights and we did some awesome cool down and breathery things. By then I had finally figured out how to do the breathing right and was feeling really peaceful and fantastic. Then, at the very end of the class, she leaned in a bow to us and said, "And to you all, I say, Namaste."

Okay, this is an Om and a lotus, but it's the kind of feeling I got from Namaste.

I understand this is apparently how all yoga classes end, but I was totally moved and touched by it. I, at the time didn't know what it meant, but somehow had the sense that it was something really important. At that point, I was feeling really peaceful and connected to myself. And of course, sentimental fool that I am, not even knowing what Namaste MEANS, I teared up a little bit. 

This is where my dear friends come into the picture, since they have a lot more knowledge on this kind of topic than I do. So I inquire:

"What does Namaste mean?"

Rachael reports that Namaste means "Peace, bitches." Andrew, her husband, shakes his head fondly and explains: "It means, I honor the divinity within you and you honor the divinity within me and when we do this we are one and the same."

So it turns out that's what yoga class is all about; learning how, you know, there's not so much that's bad about me or even my body. And the things that are less optimal are changing. So I'll be back at yoga class next week.  

Weight Update!

Good morning, internets! Here's the deal-- I haven't weighed myself in two weeks! I was pretty apprehensive when I got on the scale this morning. But, when I got there, the news was neither good nor bad.

Weigh In: 240.0


I could make the choice to see this as sadness and stagnation, as this is how much I weighed the last time I reported my weight. I'm choosing to be slightly more realistic.

In May of 2009 when I got my BA, I weighed ~185lbs. A 65 pound difference from my highest weight and a 55 pound difference from my current weight. As it's November of 2011, theoretically, every month since then I have gained two pounds.

Um... different kind of pounds, google images...

I can actually watch myself get fatter if I click on "pictures of me," in facebook and start at the end of undergrad and go forward. It's like a sick flip book! Since I started this blog, I have gained no pounds. Actually, I am still down four pounds. If my only progress in the past month is to bring the weigh-gain train (ooh! It Rhymes!) to a screeching halt, I have made one awesome accomplishment. What else have I learned from THE TRUTH this morning?

Also, feel free to spraypaint abandoned(?) homes!
I mean, with uplifting quotes, let's not get carried away.

I have learned that I'm going to have to push myself just a little bit harder to get to "weight loss." Being at maintenance is actually a huge deal for me healthiness-wise. This is the level of food and activity it takes to keep me at the weight I'm am. From here it's exercise more and eat less. This is especially important because the end goals are stability and maintenance. Ah yes, that's why this blog is called "Liz Gets Healthy," instead of "Liz Drops 100 Pounds," or "Liz Gets Skinny."

Rocks can chill like this for years. That's the plan.
I'ma chill like a rock.

In other news, you might just get more than one post today since I start yoga class tonight!

I had to spray out the naughty words in paint. But this comic is still full of true.

This is supposed to be a small yoga class for people who have never been to yoga before. So, let's hope it works out better than my experience in step class!

Monday Once More

Well hello, team! Today was Monday and all-in-all it went well. Tomorrow I am getting back to the gym! Today I spent a good amount of time running around the craft store, and even though that's not direct actual sweating exercise, it's way more movement than working on Bellatrix (Bellatrix is my thesis, because she's really, really evil, I'll be happy and sad when she's "dead," and in a weird way, she's really really interesting-- just like in Harry Potter!).

Today we went to "The Dobz," or Qdoba. And I again managed to abstain from the burrito the size of my face in favor of the lighter "craft 2" menu. Again, a hugenormous achievement!

I'm weighing in tomorrow, so send some light thoughts to me and my scale!

Sunday Night Musings

Well, hello, Internets! Thought I would drop a line and give a little update on what's up as far as life, the universe and everything!

So you've probably all noticed that my posts have slowed to just a few times a week. It's not because I'm lagging or giving up-- definitely  more about how time-consuming these posts are (and the level of perfectionism that goes into finding the right graphics, witty comments, etcetera) and how my regular life isn't really terribly exciting. People often ask me how my life is and I cheerfully respond, "Boring! Awesome!" Because that's how my life is. I get up, feed the kitties, do some therapy, work at the craft store, exercise, hang out with my friends and family, rinse and repeat.

Considerably less hair-washing goes on than implied, though.
Let's be real.

So the plan for the blog is this for the next week or so: daily posts, but not daily graphics and excitement. I do have things to say every day but they aren't always terribly hilarious, motivational, emotional or interesting. Too bad! I'm going to continue to have exciting posts several times a week. As hardcore bloggers will tell you, thinking of content is much harder than it sounds. There is also at least one super-interesting guest-post coming up, plus a few holiday posts I'm already working on. I'm all about new content ideas, though, so please let me know, as always, if you have thoughts.

See, that hand is YOU putting your suggestions in my virtual box!

As far as my update goes, I went to see my fabulous family today and had a great time with them-- probably ate too many little Reese's cups at my awesome grandma's house, but what can you do. You all know my style. I am not beating myself up about this. I am moving more, eating fruits and vegetables and doing what I do at a slow pace. As far as my weight goes, my dad has put the pressure on for me to finally go buy new batteries for my scale, which I'm purchasing tomorrow, so the weigh-in will go up on Tuesday. He told me, and was very right, that the scale offers accountability. It also offers truth, which as has been noted before, is kind of what my blog is about. No matter how painful, I'm telling you, my friends, family and beloved internet strangers, the truth about my healthiness struggles and achievements.

Hopefully I will not cry. If I do I will let you know!

In the meantime, I start Yoga class next week! I'm really excited to see how that goes and what happens. You all will hear about it, most definitely. Tomorrow is a thesis day and a short-shift at the craft store. I plan to go exercise after my meeting tomorrow morning and then get me some works done! Another bonus, you can probably look forward to seeing more fantastic wedding pictures on the blog since we might be getting our whole big pile o' wedding pictures back this week!

No one can resist more of this! 

As always, thanks for reading, especially on these days where I don't have a neat theme. I appreciate everyone's support-- even when it's silent. :)

A Streetcar Named Burrito

I did six hours today at our resident craft store where I'm a fancycashier (I'm like a cashier, but I carry keys-- it's a weird job.) About halfway through the day, I decided I was hungry. And damn if I didn't want a burrito. Oh yes, a burrito, the size of my face. With the hottest salsa, all wrapped up in that delicious 400 calorie tortilla.    I'm checking people through my line and doing my business, and this is on my mind. I want. that. burrito.

I'm actually surprised I didn't say
"Your change is four dollars and burrito cents!"
to someone at some point.

And, at some point, though all of the beeping and glitter, I started telling myself. Why not? You haven't had a burrito in almost four weeks! Qdoba is super-close to the craft store! Just go get one after dinner! In that moment, I listened to myself. I decided:
Yes! I get to have a burrito!
And you know what!
I'm going to eat the whole thing!
I didn't really eat lunch today, it'll be fine!

I am at the craft store, so I can't see these red flags through all the glitter.

Ha! No one can stop me!
I'll be home alone!
No one will see!
No one will know!
I'll just get cash out and Tarver won't even know...

"I need some backup red flags here. Backup flags to the front please."

When I started rationalizing basically stealing money from my husband I had to take a few steps back. Well, I couldn't because when I made this realization I was actually in my car at the crossroads between going home to make myself dinner and driving to the burrito store. I drove home. I made myself dinner. I sat quietly. Thinking about it now, my judgement of myself kind of fluctuates between feeling proud that I didn't go buy a burrito, and feeling disgusted with myself that spent my entire afternoon thinking about burritos. Clearly we don't need to talk too much about not buying a burrito, because that's summarized in one word, "AWESOMLENT!" Excellent and Awesome.

Let's talk about how I spent alllll afternoon obsessing over burritos.

Obsessing is weird for me. Let me explain a little bit of my thought process. Let's get inside my brain for a moment here.

Hey guys! Guess what the hypothalamus controls?
The Four F's! Fighting Fleeing Feeding and Mating!
Ahaha... that guy know's what I'm talkin' about! 

Clearly being a graduate student my brain is usually filled with complex thoughts about human relationships, abnormal psychology, cybernetics and penguins. But sometimes I'm being a cashier or trying to sleep or exercising or just trying to get through a really painful meeting. In these moments, I have to do something with my brain or I will probably spontaneously combust.

It's something my Momma mentioned in passing years and years ago, but she said something like, "And I couldn't sleep, so I tried to see if I could remember the words to every song in The Sound of Music" I imagine I was in high school or middle school and for some reason that stuck with me. So, usually I just pick one song and try to get all the way through it getting the melody and lyrics right. For instance, it turns out whatever key "One Hand, One Heart," from West Side Story is in, it is really hard to think about with the ambient cadence of the craft store.

It's an A major cash register.

So it's a mental workout in a way. If something particularly awful or awkward is happening (I'm looking straight at you, meetings) I often recite the lyrics to a happy song in my head like "Don't Stop Believing," So I do that a lot when I'm cashiering.

Anyway, the point of that whole spiel was to tell you that the burrito thoughts were actually kind of a weird thing. I rarely actually fixate on food, because I'm pretty good at keeping my brain busy. I especially don't fixate on just one food.

Yes, it turns out I do know every word
to every song in "The Sound of Music"

So let's talk about this. What was going on for me today that my normal musical-fueled thought process was interrupted by the soulless, continuing mantra of "BURRITO. BURRITO. BURRITO. BURRITO."

Except maybe breadsticks.
You know I would never cheat on you, breadsticks.

I'm wondering now if "depriving" myself of something I'm basically addicted to has led to a disruption in my generally pleasant thought-process? Am I having burrito-related withdrawal symptoms? No, let's be real. It's qdoba, not heroin. It just really threw me off. I figure I'll do my 8-hour shift at the craft store tomorrow and see if it creeps in there again. Maybe it means it's time for me to go back to the burrito store and have them cut a burrito in half for me? Maybe it means I haven't done enough work as far as learning to love vegetables?

Your thoughts, sweet interwebz?

I need collaborative informations!

An Update

Some of you may be thinking: "Hmm, lately, I hear a lot about weight-loss and change theory, but I don't hear a lot about how Liz is doing."

You're right! I have not talked about how I'm actually doing on my healthiness journey! Honestly, sometimes talking about my own journey doesn't feel very interesting in comparison to the more interesting, flashy blog posts. I suppose I don't need to always worry about topping myself and just keep everyone in the loop, ja?

Ja.

(I get a little more Scandinavian this time of year, just ta letcha know.)

Anyway, so how am I doing. I figure I am doing okay. I am exercising 3 days a week and keeping my calories down. I eat 3 fruits a day for sure, but sometimes I only get up to one vegetable. Right now it just seems like everything is going very slowly. I know I am taking better care of myself but I also feel kind of... well, stuck!

It's probably not quite this bad.

Sometimes, a year seems like a really short amount of time. Other times,  a year seems like a LOOONG time from now! I think what I was talking about yesterday as far as starting smaller goals or dedicating five pounds to people might be what has to happen, because right now I just feel very little motivation! 

Also, I am learning more about food and eating! I just started reading "The Omnivore's Dilemma" and hopefully that will keep me thinking about my food choices! Also, it's another thing that engages my brain rather than vacuums it in like the 4th season of South Park for the 7th time. :)

As Kyle would say "Holy $%#! Dude! That's a lot of TV!" 

Sorry this post isn't like... funny... or... like... about anything in particular. But it's my blog and this is what I'm writing about today!

Bet on Yourself?

Good morning internet crew! Our topic for today is an interesting one-- we're going to chat about motivation again. This morning as I was checking the world news and there was a link to this very interesting website called Healthy Wage . The gist of the website is that you put down money that the website will double or triple based on your weight loss goals. You can give them 100 dollars and if you've lost 10% of your body weight in six months-- you get 200 back! Or, if you have less weight to lose, you can give them 300 dollars, and if you're at a healthy BMI in a year you get 1000 dollars!!! Well, specifically, if you can go from a BMI over 30 to one below 25 in a year.  Totes doable!

If you weigh less than the cash you get to keep it!

So that's cool. I mean, getting some money for accomplishing your goals is cool! Positive rewards are awesome. Clearly, there's already a consequence system built into the weight loss process. What could be a worse consequence than, "If you don't lose weight, you'll maybe have a heart attack, or develop diabetes!" Okay, so there's already a stick-- so is Healthy Wage just the carrot? I'm not sure. 

See, heart attacks are the stick and  the carrot is maybe $700!

Let's talk about this. I feel like if I lost a bunch of weight for money, then I might get the money, then I'd gain the weight back? I'm just really torn about this idea. I feel like true lifestyle change has to come from more of an inner place-- not so much a wallet place?  But then of course, I also believe very firmly in "Fake-It-Till-You-Make-It" So I'm torn. On one hand, I think that positive rewards are important. But I wonder if these rewards are too long term-- and far off? Unreal? 

Look at how impersonal that goal is! 

Here's the thing about goals. This is more therapy stuff. These goals are certainly time-based and measurable. I just feel like it's impersonal; weird. A website (a cool one!) gives you money for reaching your fitness goals! But that's not sustainable, I mean, you know, they aren't going to keep giving you money so that you keep making better choices. I was thinking maybe you could mix some other sweet goals in there, and make it like a SUPERGOAL!

TOUCHDOWN!!!

I mean, people derive motivation from a lot of different places. Unfortunately I feel like a lot of my motivation comes straight out of shame, even to this day. I have a few things in place to motivate me, but they are pretty far off. Maybe it's a good idea for me to put more little goals. I mean, I have big goal ideas, like:

• Weighing less than 200 pounds
• Weighing less than my husband (180lbs)
• Weighing less than I did in undergrad (165lbs)
• Within the "Healthy" weight range for my age and height (150lbs)
• Weighing less than I ever have in my adult life (140lbs)
• Goal weight: 135. 

Most of these goals revolve around feeling better and better-- I don't know if these are carrots or sticks? So as you can see, most of my goals start after the 200 pound mark, and I still have FORTY big pounds to lose before then. I think the problem is that these past 40 pounds have heaped on SO quickly in the past two years that it's difficult to pin them to anything specific. 

Maybe I should dedicate each of the 5 pounds between now and 200 to grad school?

What if I actually did dedicate The next 40 pounds to a person per 5 pounds? So eight people? I could dedicate each 5 pound increment to someone and keep them in mind while I'm exercising and eating better? Is that weird? I feel like maybe it would work? I mean, you know, people do things like that, right? 

Does it make you make this face?

What do you think? Would you want 5 pounds dedicated to you? Would you be my mentor for five pounds? Am I totally creepifying everyone? Lemme know. <3