Snail Pride and Pounds (Day 13)

Spoooooky! Day Thirteen is also Halloween! Happy Halloween, support-team! I don't have a costume, I didn't get invited to any parties, and we don't have Halloween candy in the house so it won't be too big of a challenge to be good today -- awesome! :)

This pumpkin believes in me! Yaaay!

It is Monday today, so that means accountability day with my dad. He's also on a weight-loss journey and we're keeping track of our weekly weight together for motivation. My parents are both pretty awesome-- I'm actually hoping to do a post about them coming up soon-- if they agree-- so put on the peer pressure in the comments, people!

Anyway, Monday is the perfect day for the weight update since it provides a little motivation for the weekend to keep with the program. I can't speak for my dad, but this morning I weighed in at:

240 POUNDS!

Though I didn't post it, that's 4 pounds down from last Monday and 10 pounds down from my weigh in with Seamus in early October! Actually, yesterday and the day before I weighed in lower, so hopefully this is a high mark in a low week.

I'm not dwelling on this for long, because weight is just the tiniest, teensiest part of this journey. So many strange things can influence what the scale tells me. Sometimes I think my scale hates me because it will tell me one number, then I step back on four seconds later and it tells me another. Though, as I mentioned before, I do weigh myself every day, only Mondays does my weight matter even in the slightest.  With that in mind, let's celebrate SNAIL PRIDE!

Gary the Snail... a role model for all of us. Meow.

Allow me to elaborate. Yesterday I told you all about how I'm eating less of the same foods with minor changes when I feel like it. Changing 24 years of poor eating habits is not something that's going to happen overnight. Making any meaningful change takes time. That's why the first tiny goal around eating was simply to track my calories and make an attempt to keep them below 2000 on an exercise day and 1500 on an non-exercise day (never less than 1200 calories, which is starvation at any size, weight, gender or height).

Saturday my friend Andrew, a nursing student and all-around smart dude offered to explain Glycemic Index to me. I have no idea what this is. I believe it has something to do with sugar based on the "Glyc" prefix. I generally believe that knowing about something is better than not knowing about something in most cases. However, I told Andrew that I wanted to wait to work on my Glycemic Index (can you even work on your Glycemic Index?).

What does this even mean?

 Why would I turn him down? Because, A) Andrew will happily explain this to me when I ask him to, later and B) Knowing what I know about nutrition already makes food choices kind of stressful. Adding another factor would make things difficult for me right at the moment. The trick is to think like a snail. Keep it slow and simple. Maybe ooze on some stuff.

I have a vague idea of what my food-related goals are going to look like:

• Weeks 1-2: Track calories. Attempt to reduce to 2000 on exercise days and 1500 on non-exercise days to ensure a caloric deficit.
• Weeks 3-4: Learn to love fruits and vegetables. Eat at least 2 vegetables and 3 fruits per day. Learn 2 new recipes to make veggies more accessible and delicious.
• Weeks 5-6: Get the required amount of protein in a day. Learn 2 new recipes with lean protein. Since by now I'm hopefully building muscle, protein is going to be important.

Notice at this point I am not removing anything. Including fruits, vegetables and lean proteins should eek out some foods that shouldn't be there without a feeling of "DO NOT TOUCH!" This is a slow, slow, slow replacement plan. Starting in week 7, I'm working on staying below healthy limits of things-- still not removing anything.

• Weeks 7-8: Sodium. Stay below the recommended amount of sodium in a day. Learn a way to remove some sodium from a mainstay food. 
• Weeks 9-10: Sugar. Stay below the recommended amount of sugar in a day. Explore different ways of sweetening things such as honey or truvia.
• Weeks 11-12: Catch up weeks. Inevitably one of these sets of goals will have been very difficult for me and need another few weeks of focus to solidify it. 
• Weeks 13-14:  Advanced nutrition. Learn about Gluten, Glycemic Index, Ph levels, eating vegetarian and vegan, different types of fats, vitamins and minerals-- whatever anyone wants to teach me! 
• Weeks 15-16: Try some advanced nutrition!

Weeks 17-18: To Infinity and Beyond!

So you see how this is a very very very slow process of changing my eating habits. Goals are cumulative, so since weeks 1-2 were about calories, they stick with me throughout the rest of the goals. So starting in week three, 2 veggies and 3 fruits for the rest of forever and so on and so forth. 

Food is meant to be enjoyed. There are some days where I'm going to eat a piece of cheesecake with salted caramel. I will miss an apple. Maybe I will never grasp Glycemic Index.  And that will all be okay as long as I am trying. 

I'm the little snail that could!

The point is that snails do not stress out. Snails go slowly, intentionally, and they get where they're going-- provided they avoid salt.

Half My Plate (Day 12)

This has been an extremely weird weekend. I'm learning all about making life changes during life events! So yesterday, I was very tired as I noted at the top of my last post. I didn't go exercise in the afternoon because a nap was a more prudent and healthy decision.   Having a weird weekend meant not being in charge of a lot of my food choices. But, not exercising has made it more necessary to eat less to continue weight loss (meaning, calorie deficits).

Yesterday, I had two awesome food-related accomplishments!!!

These fireworks are meant to be inspirational.
Just imagine some moving music in the background-- feel free to shed a tear.

ACCOMPLISHMENT ONE: for lunch we went with Tarver's grandma to Culver's-- yes, home of the Butter Burger. Now, I don't eat burgers (I've never liked them) so I ordered some chicken strips and onion rings. I could have made a better food choice there, but I am sticking stalwartly to my goals of counting calories and trying to stay under 2000 on exercise days and 1500 on non-exercise days. One step at a time. I am focusing on eating less rather than eating differently for the moment. I have another fun post planned for this topic, so tune in for another post tomorrow!

When I got my chickens and onion rings, I ate two of the three of the chicken strips and two thirds of the onion rings. I gave the rest to Gma, since she loves to have leftovers. This may not sound like much, but not eating every piece of food in front of me is a huge accomplishment.

ACCOMPLISHMENT TWO: Later that day with some of our friends, we made the group decision that Tarver and Liz's kitchen was way too messy to make dinner in (don't judge) and went to a diner. Again, I ordered a slightly smaller and maybe healthier version of what I would have ordered normally. Plain oatmeal instead of toast, one egg instead of two and hashbrowns. The following is the end result of the meal:

And no, I didn't stop eating because the food was pink and radioactive.

Could I have eaten Every Single Bite of this meal? YEP. Did I? No. I ate slowly, and ate until I felt like I was done. I think it was easier today since I got a total of 4 very separate hours of sleep from Friday to Saturday, and my stomach was not feeling awesome, but I'm kind of the person who still eats a huge burrito when she has a fever (that actually happened).

Yesterday, I got to eat everything I wanted to eat. I just ate less of it. This is a big deal because not only do I usually mindlessly eat everything in front of me, I usually eat to discomfort, if possible. Actually, I look forward to eating to discomfort. I want to eat huge servings of things.

If this pasta bowl was like the size of a beach ball, I'd totally be into that.
Heyyy pasta...

  I love to go to places where they give me the hugest bowl of pasta or I can eat 9 pieces of pizza without anyone judging me. Binge eating is absolutely a shameful activity, but like any addiction, I have enjoyed it in the past.  Yesterday, I took a step toward intentional eating, and it went really well, and I felt proud of myself! Even one day of breaking a life-long pattern seems like a step in the right direction!

Tomorrow I'm going to talk about why I'm still eating chicken strips and hash browns instead of pureed spinach and Bulgar wheat. I'll give you a hint:

I'm proud to be a snail.

The Three Types of Songs on my Exercise List (Day 11)

Good morning! I'm very tired today!
Type One: High BPM
This is relatively self-explanatory. These are songs that it just feels good and makes sense to exercise to. For me, this is a delicate combination of classic rock and trashy pop. "Any Way You Want It," by Journey and "I Wanna Go," by Britney Spears are awesome examples of each. Mostly I have these songs because they're upbeat, they make me happy even when I'm not exercising, and they make good mini-goals (Like, Ke$ha's "Your Love is My Drug," is only 3 minutes and 7 seconds long, so it's really easy to say, "Okay, self, just go really hard for this one song... for KE$HA!")

I would do anything for you, Ke$ha... except... well, just kidding, actually.

Type Two: YOU CAN DO IT, songs.
I feel like I'm going to have to put some lyrics in here, because it's hard to describe the difference between Jada's "American Cowboy," and "Love Drunk," by Boys Like Girls. Both are upbeat, exciting songs, so why do they live separately? Simple: "American Cowboy," along with "Just One Step," from Songs from a New World, "Believe," by the Bravery and "I Can Do Better Than That," from The Last 5 Years are all in my mind dedicated to a person I like to call "Skinny Liz" "Healthy Liz."

So, when I hear the chorus of the very obscure song "American Cowboy," by the equally obscure group Jada, I'm not just listening to the beat and enjoying the music-- the voice of Healthy Liz is speaking to me:

"I know, you know I'm sexy.
What would you do?
Would you sacrifice it all for me?"


That's right. Healthy Liz is hot.  I try not to focus too much on Healthy Liz though. I especially try not to idealize how I looked in high school. I'm 24 and though high school was a lot of fun and I clearly was at a healthier weight, I never felt like I fit in exactly. Current Liz knows a LOT more about life, human relationships, sociology and quite frankly, ME than High-School-Skinny Liz could have ever dreamed. Also, Current Liz is not unattractive.

Amirite?

Sorry. Sometimes I am so cute I can't stand myself. Moving on. Another song in this category that most people wouldn't consider an exercise song comes from my favorite band, Jimmy Eat World. Seriously, if they made a film about my life (unlikely, but fun to think about) a good portion of the soundtrack would come directly from Jimmy Eat World's greatest hits. So, "Chase this Light," goes:

"The beauty is in what isn't said,
I'm rising to my feet,
Because tonight, the world turned in me.
Because right now, I don't dare to breathe.
Oh babe I know it's a light.
It's somewhere for us to find tonight.
Chase this light with me."


Okay, Jim Adkins, I'll chase the light. For Healthy Liz, I can keep chasing the light. This song reminds me to be kind to myself-- the people who love me believe I'm beautiful already, this is about being healthy.

Type Three: (Don't be mad, there's only a few of these) Shame Songs!
I know, I hear you. "Liz! You're a THERAPIST! You KNOW that healthy change does not come from shame! There's whole books on this exact topic! WTF?!"

I hear you. I do.

However, sometimes when I am exercising, I start feeling sorry for myself like "Oh woe am I, the fat lady, my life is so difficult, Oh woe, Oh woe."

And then "Heavy, Heavy," from Dreamgirls comes on, and I remember, "Oh yeah. It was those 12,000 burritos I bought and ate of my own volition and the years of sitting on my butt. That's why."

Maybe a moment later my legs start to get sore or a particularly thin lady comes to work out at the next machine at 300 miles per hour. At just that moment I hear "Poor, Unsuccessful and Fat," from the musical A New Brain. At that point, my irrational hatred for the lady next to me and myself lessens significantly, because I remember that I am doing something and making improvements. I know what I want to avoid!

I might start feeling a little sad for myself again (Perhaps during a Ke$ha-inspired 3-minute push) and suddenly, "Totally ****ed"  from the musical Spring Awakening comes on.

Poor Melchior, he lives in  18th-century Germany. 

 Then I remember, "Oh, yeah. Lots of people have way worse lives. I'm actually in a gym that we could afford to pay for. I have a family membership, with my spouse, who I was allowed to legally marry. We have a lovely little home and two fluffy cats. I am obese because I live in a country where food is abundant. Life is actually pretty good."

And I keep moving. And it's good :)

Five Reasons to Love My Gym (and yours!) on Day 10

As we are entering in on the double digits(!), and as I did a super-deep-weird post yesterday, let's talk about something fun today! Let's talk about how much we've enjoyed our Y membership so far! In order to keep going to the gym, I have to like the gym. Which, as of right now, I really do! So it's time to talk about some reasons:

5. It's a clean, safe, well-lit place that's open 24 hours a day! 

It's a blurry internet picture of our real gym!
Why didn't I just use a stock photo of someone else's gym?

You  may be saying to yourself, "I know what town you live in, Liz, the crime rate where you live is almost nonexistent, and you're the one always going on about how women don't get attacked by strangers in the bushes!" Yes, that's true. Especially the strangers in the bushes part. However, it's a psychological thing. I could get in my car and drive to a park so I could walk around. Or I can walk and run around our weird, apartment-land neighborhood where sidewalks spontaneously disappear. Instead, I can come to the gym, whenever I want, where it always seems to have this friendly white glow, there's always someone there to help you if you don't know how to best work out your "Leg Tops," and man, for being a place where people are all sweaty all the time, it is CLEAN!

4. There's a bajillion things to do there! 

This is what healthy people look like. Take note.

Me and Tarver and Kyle go to the gym and we're all, "What do you wanna do?" Yesterday, for instance, we warmed up and stretched out, I went on a treadmill with some incline and Tarver and Kyle got their elliptical on for half an hour. Then we found those half-ball balancer things and played catch with a medicine ball while trying to stay upright-- that was hard but totally fun! Then we stretched out and went home.  But we could have just as easily "raced," on stationary bikes, done a circuit of weights then gone to the sauna. We could have climbed the rock wall,  done some stair steps or played basketball. We could even have gotten crushed in a Simple Step/Cardio class! Or we could go to the other location and go SWIMMING! So many options!

3. Mostly the People are Nice or Are at Least too Busy With Their Own Stuff to Be Mean

Are these folks nice? Mean? Who knows?
You'll never talk to them, so it doesn't matter!

This is one of my biggest things about going to exercise is that I am a large human being. People are downright cruel to fat women. It's everywhere; in print media, on TV and especially on the internet. People somewhere have these thoughts about bigger women, and I am always afraid that someone will say something mean to me. But at the gym, nobody seems to care. They're busy!  Everyone is at the gym for a different reason and they aren't there to look at me or even to judge me. Yes, I'm usually one of the bigger people in the gym, but usually people are busy on their 50th pullup or their 10th mile on the treadmill to notice me. Occasionally, I catch someone's eye and sometimes they smile. This is okay with me :)

2. It's Kinda Awesome

Our Gym has several of these fancy water fountains!

I didn't know life had gotten so high tech! Our gym has neat machines like recumbent bikes where you can watch yourself on the screen, race with other people, save your scores, and come back to it later! What?! We live in the future. The fancy water fountain pictured above has a bottle-refiller that just magically senses when you put your bottle on there. Then it tells you how many plastic bottles that machine has saved-- awesome!  Besides even the high-tech stuff, it does other cool things too like, if I wanna take a shower, I don't have to bring a towel or a blow dryer, They have one, just for me! And they have little towels for when I'm working out! And I don't have to wash them! Amazing! 

And finally,

1. I feel GREAT afterward.

Okay, maybe not this great.

Stepping outside after exercising is one of the best feelings ever. I sleep better on the days I exercise, I eat better on the days I exercise, and I feel better about MYSELF when I exercise. It's a grand experience.

What do you love about your exercise place?

A Bunch of Interesting Oversimplifications (Day 9)

CAVEAT: This post is about being a therapist and some things about therapy. I'm NOT a licensed therapist (yet), this post should not be considered advice or professional opinion.

With that said let me tell you a trade secret: therapists don't only work in feelings-- sometimes therapists work in motivation.

Allow me to elaborate: Some people only have a feeling that something is wrong. Some people know what their problem is but truly don't know what to do about their struggles. In these cases, the job of the therapist is to help the client locate the problem and help them brainstorm solutions that work in the client's context (this includes SES, mental and emotional capacity, etc).

However, sometimes people know what their problem is and they know how to fix it. They just don't know how to make themselves fix it-- something is in their way.

The role of the therapist, many times, is the mediator of this trouble.

No, I've never seen anyone lay on a couch for therapy.
That's sooo last season. 

This is a gross oversimplification, however, let's take my situation as an example. I am aware that weighing too much is my problem. Specifically, binge eating and sedentary behavior are my problems. The solution to these two problems are simple. Eat less, move more. Consume less calories than you expend. That's it.

So, I thought to myself today-- if I was my own client, what would I do with myself? What would I ask myself? How would I help myself make the changes I need to in order to live a happier and healthier life?

What an appropriate piece of clip-art!

The answer for me is dig for a story. Again, this is a gross oversimplification. I'm a narrative therapist, so I work in stories. My story of myself almost my entire life is that of a fat girl. Being a Fat Girl is what I would term my "Dominant Story." The process of therapy that I would usually chose to do would involve pointing out instances of my "Dominant Story," which most likely involves an externalized problem. If I was my own therapist, have me give my problem a name to make things easier. The name of the problem is not important. People name their problems all kinds of things from simple ones like "The Depression," and "The Anxiety," to "The Ishy," "The Worthlessness," or some people invent words for their problems. Mine is called "The Blob."

Fitting, right?

To people unfamiliar with narrative therapy this is going to sound a little weird, but sometimes part of the process is externalizing and anthropomorphizing a problem. That is, trying to figure out what the problem wants, what it likes, what it dislikes, and the two very most important questions in my opinion: What does it want for your life? and Is that okay with you? (okay three questions, since, in theory, the person is not in agreement with the problem and they say "NO, it's NOT okay with me!") and Why isn't that okay with you?

To answer the questions: Very simply, The Blob wants to kill me. Not today. Not tomorrow. But slowly. In an awful, painful, shameful way. The Blob wants me to get bigger and bigger and more and more miserable. Is that okay with me?

...okay, so why not? Why isn't it okay with me? It's not okay because I want more out of my life. I want to live to see people's kids grow up, maybe have kids of my own. I want to set a good example for my clients. I don't want to die prematurely. I want to live a long, healthy life with my husband and have the energy to go on all of the amazing adventures we have planned. I have always wanted to take dance lessons. I want to look great in a little black dress. I want to make my parents proud of me. I want to go shopping with my friends and fit into "normal" sizes.

This description, all of these goals become part of my "Alternative Story." The new chapter of my life-- the part of my life The Blob is not involved in. The steps now, are to listen for when The Blob is influencing me. Like, tonight, for example, when I ate two big tacos instead of one.

Right along with the theme of oversimplifying, when I hear the voice of The Blob or feel I'm being influenced by The Blob, I remember that The Blob is a lying lieface. The Blob is offering me a second taco-- but at what cost? Then I remember that The Blob only wants bad things for me. I remember that The Blob's agenda is NOT something I agree with. I think about the reasons I don't agree with the stupid Blob.

Then, I don't eat a third taco. :)

There's really a LOT more to it and I'm happy to explain more to anyone who's interested, but that's enough therapy for one night. Thanks for reading, team!

Photo Montage with a SURPRISE ENDING!

As we're talking about this blog, I want everybody to get a good idea about what we're dealing with here-- where I've been on my journey and where I hope to go. These pictures may also give some context for the big surprise at the end of the post! A dear friend of ours who was extremely successful in his weight-loss journey put up some "before," pictures earlier today. So, with that in mind, here are a series of before pictures-- not all necessarily bad!

When I was in high school, I was the fat friend. Looking back, my friends were skinny and I was merely overweight. Or maybe we all looked pretty normal and I was just really self-conscious. Who knows? I was seriously convinced I was awful to look at in high school. Let's take this picture from freshman year of undergrad in 2006:

I'm so hideous with all of my curvaceousness! UGH! Eeew!

And compare it further to my senior year of high school, 2005, a picture you'll see again, I'm sure:

I have a collarbone! Holy goodness! 

Aaaaand let's peek at what I looked like at my bachelorette party just two months ago in 2011:

At least me and all of my chins are having a blast!

I could go through all of the years in between and show you differing sizes, but the actual point is that at NONE of these weights was I ever able to run. I didn't exercise besides dancing in the chorus in high school, I for sure didn't exercise in undergrad until my senior year, and I REALLY didn't exercise through my graduate career.

Well, internets...

Tonight I ran for THREE MINUTES.

I know maybe that sounds really stupid and lame, but I'm pretty sure I haven't run since the summer of 2006. A tendon injury in my ankle prevented it the last time I tried to lose weight-- but this time?

Oh. It's on. Brace yourself for 245 pounds of Liz, TREADMILLS. I'm coming for you. I may never ever look like High-School-Skinny-Liz ever again, but that's okay. I'll be healthy. :)

Day Eight: I'll Always Fight With Pizza.

Good morning internets! It is still dark in the cold, northerly world where I live-- what is THAT!?

Day eight marks one full week since I started my exciting blog-o-venture, and guess what? I'm not weighing myself today! Actually, I am weighing myself today. But I won't be sharing it here. I weigh myself every day, but I'm going to be posting my weight on Mondays. You see, I am accountabilibuddies with my dad (Hi Daddy!), and Monday is weigh-in day. So Mondays, it aaaall goes public! I do feel like I need to face the scale in the morning, every morning, at least for now, but I don't want to stress over what I see.

The goal is to go slowly. Healthy weight loss is 1-2 pounds a week. I drink ridiculous amounts of water and my sleep schedule is often messed up. So really taking my daily weights seriously as far as weight loss goes just gets frustrating. However, I need to see the numbers in the morning so that I go "Holy goodness! I weigh more than 200 pounds! I really need to work it today!"

With that in mind. Let's talk about going slowly and those tiny goals. Let's talk about the things we cannot change. Here is something I know I cannot change about myself. Given the chance, I will always want to eat the entire pizza.

I gotta stop putting pictures of deliciousness on this blog. 

I will probably always have the desire to binge eat.

Here then, lies the question: do I accept that I'm a binge eater? Do I avoid my trigger foods (Burritos, pasta, pizza, donuts, Nilla Wafers, rice crispy bars, skittles the list goes on ad nauseum) forever? Or can I learn moderation? It is possible that someday I'll be able to look at that pizza and say I only want one slice? Or to feel full after one slice? Or to just have the sheer willpower to stop after one slice?

Will I always fight with pizza?

I really, really, really hope not.

For Professional Intentional Eaters or PIEs, this is like a flavor EXPLOSION!

After the last post I got some awesome suggestions for how to learn intentional eating. I think this is going to be really important for me. I am absolutely a distracted eater. Though I profess to LOVE FOOD (and yes, I believe that I do REALLY LOVE FOOD) I don't savor my food. I can't remember the last time I sat and ate food without something or someone else distracting me. The closest I get is eating dinner with Tarver, which is lovely, but we're still talking and planning. Worse yet, sometimes I judge how much I should be eating by how much he's eating. My 180ish pound 6'4" male husband with awesome metabolism and I should NOT eat the same amount of food.

What's your favorite way of being intentional with your food?

Day Seven: Potassium

Good morning, everyone! I want to start by saying thank you for all of the support I received for my post last night about my step class adventure. Knowing so many people support me really really really helps me continue this process!

Today we are on a brand new topic, NUTRITION! Yesterday I wrote all about flailing around at the Y, but I failed to mention that I ate between 8 and 9 150-ish calorie donut holes. This is what I'm talking about. And, in the spirit of honesty and not holding anything back. I ate the first three at my internship meeting with everyone else, I ate the next six or so alone in my car. I ate them really quickly, like I was afraid the people in the next lane were going to judge me.

They were the powder ones-- so dangerous. 

I'm writing this not to make a big scene. I'm writing this because it's the truth of my eating habits. I wrote on the first day about buying burritos while Tarver's at work-- well, it extends to other food too.  I have been tracking my calories and being honest. I have also been trying to portion the things I'm eating. This has gone fairly well. I only went over 2000 calories once in 7 days, and that was yesterday of donut disasters. Here's the fact though, occasionally, when no one is around, I find a food, and I just eat a lot of it. Then I don't tell anyone. Literally, I hide the evidence. Not today. Today I am telling you that I ate 6 donuts in my car.

So this morning, I'm eating a banana :) Just because I ate 9 donuts yesterday does not mean my life is over.

Oh internet, you're such a good listener. <3

A Fish Out of Water

This is the tale of how I went to a class called "Simple Cardio/Step" at the Y earlier this evening!

A Fish Out of Water: A Tale of Sadness and Triumph(?)

I enter the room, and the Instructor offhandedly points me to the very first step-upper in the row closest to the door. I want to explain to her, "I've really never taken a step class before, ever, and quite frankly, I went to Zumba twice and it really didn't go well, I mean, look at me, so, I mean, can I have a spot, like, furthest away, more toward, you know, hidden? A sort of hidden... area?"  But there is no time for this explanation. Really no time even for a simple, "I'd rather be in the back." The instructor then tells me in her friendlycheerful voice that I'll need to find my platform, a ball and some weights and a mat. Okay. Can do.

Cool, I'm already overwhelmed!

People filter in. A few men, lots of women. Slowly, slowly, my worst nightmare is coming true. The truth of the class is coming out, now. Simple step is not for big people who need somewhere to start in group fitness. Simple Step is for older women who've been coming to the Y since they were born but maybe got osteoarthritis and can't do BodyPUMP II  anymore. No one else needs to be told to find their weight and their ball, they simply go in the supply cabinet and fill in the rows. 

The room continues to fill up. Of course, I am in the very front, closest to the door so I watch as everyone files in. Yes, there are a few women maybe hitting the 150-160 mark, but on the whole,  I am very much alone in my BMI neighborhood. 

So, this is what it feels like to be Melissa McCarthy in Bridesmaids! Huh.

Then, Step Class begins. If you're really familiar with me (if you're not, Hi Stranger!) you know I'm generally very chipper. I am ready! Step up, down, up, down, reach down, "rollerblade," knees high! I am doing okay! All right! I can step up and down! I am sweating a little, but that's cool! I'm in step with everyone else!  I can do this! Yes!

Then all hell breaks loose. 

The instructor announces we're done with warm-ups. What happens next, I cannot explain,  because I had a really difficult time following it. Some of you knew me in high school and remember the disaster that was trying to learn how to tap-dance-- and that was 70ish pounds ago! There is jumping, cha-cha-ing, toe-tapping and all kinds of things that my very large body could not handle. 

This is the point where I am starting to feel like, I can't do this, I don't fit in here. I start to think about leaving, but there's too much stuff around me-- I'd have to put it all away in front of everyone.  I am a fish out of water. I look like an idiot. My legs already hurt. I am absolutely a fish out of water.

I'm that fish, except less dead and more flailing.

Then, I have the worst thought. Tarver and Kyle are at the Y. What if they come by to see what the class is about? And they see me, my husband sees me, flailing while everyone else dances around like gazelles? How horrible for him. How ashamed of me would he feel? Can he still get an annulment after we've been married for a whole month? Worse yet, will I be fat forever? If I can't handle this, can I even handle losing weight at all? Am I destined to look like this forever? To feel like this forever? To get diabetes and die before I'm sixty?  Clearly, I am panicking at this point. I am starting to feel tears in my eyes, and my chin getting all sad and crinkly. The steps are getting more and more complicated and I can't tell if the salty wet stuff on my face is tears or sweat.

What stopped me from running out in that moment? Honestly, I can't tell you. I don't know. I knew that I had to keep going. I couldn't quit, and I didn't. Maybe it was realizing that I was being silly. Maybe it was the plethora of work-out material around me that I would have to put away. Maybe I really felt something for myself in that moment and decided, No. This is for YOU. I stepped to the side, wiped my whole face off and stepped right back up onto my stepper-upper. Then I stepped off my stepper-upper. I did that again and again in differing variations for 45 more minutes, until the class was over.

When we got home, I told Tarver what I had been thinking about. He of course told me that was ridiculous; he was proud of me for getting out there and trying it.

 He asked me, "You know why all the other big ladies in town weren't there tonight?"

Crying in earnest now, I shook my head no, and he said:

"You were the bravest one."

And I was a fish out of water, but maybe not in the way I thought.

Did I do it well? Nope! Did I almost leave in tears 15 minutes in? YEP! Did I exercise? YES, I REALLY DID! Will I do it again next Monday? Errrrm. We'll see. 

Day Six: Bringin' it Back.

Good afternoon, Interwebz! Sorry I didn't write this morning, I had an early meeting and exciting stuff to do! So, therefore, THE UPDATE. Yesterday Tarver and I went to the YMCA with Kyle and got alllll signed up. We also exercised! It was wonderous! Having rediscovered my little iPod shuffle and my exercise playlist, I was all set to go! I need some headphones that don't fall out of my head as easily. We also went over to Rachael and Andrew's house last night and they have memberships too!  Stay tuned for other excitement.

Day Five: It Takes a Village?

Morning Weigh in: 240! Wow! I love flukes!

I promise not all of my posts are going to be in question form.  Let's talk accountability today. Accountability is really the reason I have a blog in the first place. Because on what was day two, I was like: FORGET THIS! I NEED A BURRITO! But, alas, earlier that day I had informed the internet that I was, in fact, abstaining from burritos.

Why do you haunt my dreams, burrito the size of my face?

And it worked. Later that day I got some really helpful comments and encouragement from people who care a lot about me. And I did not run out and purchase a burrito! Nor have I, apparently accelerated to severe addiction stage where I have spare burritos hidden in the washing machine and in light fixtures. So the blog saved me from myself, and the burrito. This in itself is absolutely amazing. But I want to talk about going a little deeper. 

This is my theory: I'm kind of a slug. But actually, a lot of the folks I hang out with are also quite sedentary. Not everybody; I have some very fit, active, trim, healthy friends, and cheers to them! I also have some friends who are happy with their activity level; awesome.  Even my husband, who is at a healthy weight for his age, height and gender, does not get a lot of exercise. Here's the point though: exercise is not just for people who need to lose weight for fear of slowly suffocating in their own fat (that got graphic fast). Exercising is for everybody! Yay! 

Continuing with the "I'm kind of a slug," theory. I need help. Just as eating is a social thing, exercising has been a social thing in the past. People bowl, hike, join intramural sports teams, go out dancing, or even train for and run marathons together. And that's the point. People do these things together.  More attached to my theory, I think working out is awful and boring because I have always spent my time working out alone, plugged into a treadmill watching horrible TV. No wonder I hate it! My time playing organized sports was spent feeling like a burden to my team. No one is shocked I didn't pursue softball further. What would it be like if I could be with my friends, doing something active and not feeling ashamed?

So, with that in mind, we're getting a membership to the Y. And if you're reading this and you don't live in Germany (I found out someone from Germany read my blog!) maybe you should get a membership too. Let's make it a thing that people do again. Like, meet up for random basketball. Or like, see who can go the longest on an elliptical set to high resistance. I don't know, who can sneak the most farts in group yoga? Don't care. I want this to be A) Fun and B) something as natural as eating.

Every day I ask my  husband, "So, what do you want to do about food?"

The goal is for it to be just as normal to ask "So, what do you want to do about exercise?"

Weirdly, (or perhaps not so weirdly, as it wasn't so long ago), I think about our wedding. We sure could have gotten married in a courthouse with just a few witnesses and saved a ton of money. But we wanted (and perhaps needed) more support for such a big step. 

Tarver and I needed 16 attendants to agree to keep doing what we've been up to for 4 years. It was a great party :)

Well, if losing 100 pounds isn't a big step, I don't know what is. Maybe that's why our wedding party had so many people.

Day Four: New Things?

Here's the deal internets! Two of my three goals have been super-successful. I have stayed away from my burrito nemesis AND I have been faithfully tracking my calories on Calorie Counter. However, I have missed two walks. New theory: I'm not a huge fan of walks. I'm never excited to go on a walk. SO, here's the question. Do I push through it and say "tough nuggets, SELF, go on your walk!" or do I find something else to do that sounds more fun or interesting to me? The point is I have to do some moving every day to be a normal, healthy human being. I want this to be about a life-change, not just about weight loss.

Am I doomed to look like this my whole life? 

 I feel like my life will be very different if I find something to DO versus forcing myself to do random exercises?

In reality it's probably a combination of both. I have to find something I like to do, but I won't be able to do that thing every day. Even when I find something I like to do, I need to be able to just go on a long walk or go to the gym on those other days. Honestly I've never really minded going to the gym once I get there, it's just getting there. It's kind of a paradox, though. I've pretty much hated every form of moving since I was like eleven. Am I just naturally a lazybutt? I feel like so many of my experiences with sports or movement have been tinged with being the fat one in the group and feeling very self-conscious.

I think that's one of the biggest things that keeps me in the house-- the getting there is hard. BUT it is what it is so we'll just have to deal with it. I talked to Tarver this morning about maybe getting a YMCA pass since I like to swim/ and the Y is much less full of 90lb 19-year-olds who stare at me like I'm the blob monster from a 1950s horror movie.

Okay so that post got depressing fast! Sorry, team. Let's look on the bright side! I am making progress on two of my goals, and they are important ones. Studies show that a good percentage of people who have had successful life changes have tracked their calories and I have been doing a good job of that. Tracking calories has also prompted me to change my eating habits somewhat. I have been eating less than 2000 calories the past three days, which is a big change from eating a 2000 calorie burrito for lunch :)

Also, for those of you following the rest of my life, yes, my job interview went awesome yesterday. :)

Day Three: Early Maintenance

Day three is an exciting one. Yesterday I figured out how to enable comments on the blog so that anyone can make a comment, hooraaaay! So please do, it's really helpful. The comments actually come to my cell phone when you post them and one day one might prevent me from eating a swiss cake roll or convince me to go exercise. So thank you for your comments so far!

This morning I weighed in at 244 again. I'm at peace with that considering that last night I went with my family to pizza. Today we have a lot of excitement and I expect to get a good walk in as my sister is visiting and we're going SHOPPING. :)

In unrelated-Liz-news, I'm going in for a job interview at a craft store this morning, so wish me luck! <3

Day Two: THE UPDATE

Tarver has agreed to accompany me on one of my tiny goals, which is tracking calories! I have been using a fancy website called "calorie count" and it breaks down all of your nutritional needs. It is super fancy. It lets me know what kind of food I should be eating. Now Tarver is going to do it with me and maybe we can both make positive changes :)

Anyone else want to join? Look at how happy this idea makes Tarver! Or wait, that's a wedding picture.

Day Two: Better Than Expected!

Good morning, internetz! Guess what? My first day of being "good" went well I think. I stayed with all of the tiny rules! Me and Tarver took a walk around the neighborhood and it was totally freezing, but we did it! Also, last night we got some groceries for the week including fruits and vegetables. Yay us!

The big news this morning, though, is that my weigh in was at 244 this morning. Look, I lost 6 pounds yesterday! Just kidding. I'm not sure what happened but maybe my Seamus weigh-in was a fluke. I should weigh my cat again, haha.

Yesterday my dear friend Amanda suggested cross-country skiing as a good winter-exercise possibility. Does anyone else have any suggestions? I'm really wanting to be able to enjoy moving around and exercising. I'm looking for suggestions of activities that are A) Possibly winter-appropriate B) Actually fun. Whoever gives me the most awesome suggestion wins some sort of Liz-prize. I'm not sure what that is, but for sure you can snuggle with Garr at least. :)

Happy Day One!

Day One: The Story.

The other day someone asked my how much our cat Seamus weighs. He's a big little man. I have been avoiding the scale since it tipped over 230, so I figured it wouldn't hurt to know where I'm at nowadays. When I picked up Seamus and stepped on the scale the scale beeped right up to 264 pounds. When I put the kitty down, it ticked down to 250 flat. The point of the story isn't that I have a 14-pound cat. It's that I managed to gain SIXTYSOME pounds in graduate school. That's a really lot of pounds.

A few months ago I got tested for diabetes and I'm not pre-diabetic and my blood pressure has always been exactly normal (I'm like a freak of nature, it's always 120/80-- that or I go to lazy doctors and nurses).

Some of you are remembering this talk from almost three years ago. "C'mon, Liz," you might be saying to yourselves, "The blog thing? Again?" To which I say, YEP. The blog thing, again. Even if I didn't make my weight loss goal the last time I did this, I managed to lose almost 30 pounds. Even losing 30 pounds would be really important.

Here's the other thing I think is going to help this time around: Tiny goals, yaaay! You can see my current tiny goals on the right side of the blog, close to the top. I decided to have 3 tiny goals at once. Each goal has a two-week deadline. So, goals from today are up on Nov. 2. The goals live in three categories, Eating, Exercising and Numbers.

• Eating Goal: Burritos Almost everyone who knows me knows I have a severe weakness for 2000-calorie burritos. Qdoba, pancheros, juanos, it doesn't matter. I eat them much more often than I should and definitely more often than I want to admit. Sometimes I go pick them up to go when my husband is at work and eat them at home, alone, in secret. That's called addictive behavior! IT'S BAD and it STOPS today! Or at least it stops for 2 weeks.
• Exercising Goal: Walking! The goal here is to start slowly. It's getting chillier outside but that doesn't mean I can't enjoy walks for the next two weeks. This is daily walks. 
• Numbers Goal: I should explain that a numbers goal will either involve pounds, calories, minutes, heartrate or some other nitty-gritty part of weightloss. This week's number's goal is simply to count calories.

Without further ado, I begin day one of the project. I am asking for your support, your comments, your company on exercising endeavors and that you please be kind :)